The Colbert Report

Season 3 Episode 31

Michael Specter

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Mar 07, 2007 on Comedy Central
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Michael Specter
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Tonight Stephen welcomes journalist for the New York Times and New Yorker, Michael Specter

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    • TRIVIA (1)

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      • Stephen: …and it's tonight's Word: Don't. Don't Ask Don't Tell works! It helps homosexuals hid their orientation so they can continue to do their part fighting to war on terror. (An army of mum) Folks, it seems like they're a big part of the fight. Since its inception, Don't Ask Don't Tell has resulted in the discharge of nearly 11,000 service members, that's half a surge. (A "surglet") I'm sure that's just the tip of the iceberg. (Most sensitive part) Many of these gay soldiers are on crucial positions, at least 37 of those kicked out were Arabic translators. Now the rainbow huggers out there are going to say that's all the more reason to abolish Don't Ask Don't Tell. They don't say replacing gay soldiers has cost the Army over 190 million dollars, and that in 2005 the Army fell 24,000 troops short of its recruiting goals. (Threw a war and nobody came) Now folks, I'm all for lowering our standards. I was fine when the Army started accepting recruits that were older, less educated and had criminal records. People like my protégé The Professor. [yelling bum] He just made Corporal. But being gay is different.

        The presence of openly gay soldiers in the ranks will suck our troops into homosexuality's warm, exfoliated embrace. (Only body armor available) Plus this is just part of the homosexual agenda to destroy the morale of our military. You want proof? Take the case of Marine Staff Sgt. Eric Alva, the first American soldier in Iraq. He was highly decorated for his bravery, he even met with the Secretary of Defense and the President and the First Lady. Then bam! Drops the bombshell, Mr. President, you had your picture taken with a gay guy. (Karen Hughes?) Even worse, when Alva did come out, his fellow soldiers refused to do the honorable thing and ostracize him, instead he says quote: "They treated me with the same respect and dignity afterward. We were still buddies." Having gays and lesbians in the ranks is destroying our values. In a recent poll 73% of service members said they were comfortable serving with gays and lesbians. (Semper bi) Folks we are approaching a dangerous level of tolerance. (Code mauve) That is why I'm encouraging the Pentagon to adopt an even stricter policy: Don't Know, Don't Think. (Halfway there already) Under the new policy it will be against regulations for a solider to even know what homosexuality is. If a fellow soldier tells you he's gay it's your duty to assume he's filled with joy. If you see two naked guys oiled up and rolling around just assume they're wrestling. (With Stephen's inner demons) And if someone starts soaping you up in the shower say thank you and salute. (With your hand) Because the only way we can have a cohesive fighting force is if there's never a question about a comrade's sexual orientation and we can no longer count on gay soldiers answering the question we're to afraid to ask. (Don't)

        And that's the Word.

      • Stephen: That's all the time we have for tonight. Want more? Turn your clocks back an hour. That's Colbert savings time.

      • Michael Specter: Russia is a big place. It would be hard to just bomb it.
        Stephen: We got big bombs though!

      • Stephen: Sometimes, I just go down to my bomb shelter and I dream about denying my neighbours entry.

      • Stephen: Maybe the Easter Bunny should talk to the Tooth Fairy because she is loaded!

      • Stephen: Congressman Marty Meehan from where else, Massachusetts , or as I call it, "Gays-rael".

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