The Colbert Report

Season 3 Episode 106

Michael Wallis

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Aug 15, 2007 on Comedy Central
8.7
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Michael Wallis
AIRED:
Tonight Stephen welcomes historian and author of The Lincoln Highway: Coast to Coast from Times Square to the Golden Gate, Michael Wallis.
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    • TRIVIA (1)

    • QUOTES (7)

      • Stephen: You know who else has been on Meet The Press? Fidel Castro and Judas. I haven't confirmed that but the show has been on forever.

      • Stephen: If anyone asks you where I was between eleven thirty and twelve, I was right here! This is the Colbert Report!

      • Stephen: My guest MIchael Wallis says the real America lies of the interstate. Its a great book to read while you're stuck in traffic on the interstate.

      • Stephen: Do liberal blogs allow hate speech? ٍSome of those emoticons can be pretty harsh.

      • Stephen: …and the reason is tonight's Word: Potential. You see, it's not that the Attorney General isn't up to the job, it's that the job hasn't been up to him. He hasn't been asked to work up to his potential. (Can perjure at 12th grade level) He's like a kid in school who isn't challenged by the curriculum. His mind wanders, he loses his focus and pretty soon he can't remember why he's there. (Or why he fired those U.S. Attorneys) But the Justice Department has found a solution to this problem, a new set of rules that would quote: "…give Atty. Gen. Alberto R. Gonzales important new sway over death penalty cases…including the power to shorten the time that death row inmates have to appeal…" This new power to fast track executions, a power that used to belong solely to judges, will be a great way to keep his attention. Like a shiny object. (Medal of Freedom) Congress gave him a great toy to play with a couple of weeks ago when they approved his new warrantless wiretapping powers. Now he can conduct investigations and proceed to executions quickly. (At a breakneck pace) Plus, less time to appeal a death sentence is more humane. Alberto Gonzales knows better that anyone what it's like to spend months in limbo while the mob cries for your head. (Has dug escape tunnel through Constitution) Critics who question Gonzales' judgment now are hesitant to give him more power. I say the faster he can pass judgment, the better he'll be at it. For instance, I'm a terrible driver at thirty miles an hour, which is why I drive eighty.

        But as long as we're making Gonzales a judge, let's go the whole nine yards and make him an executioner as well. He can listen in on his warrantless wiretaps, and if he hears anyone say a suspicious phrase (Like "Habeas Corpus") he can then just flip a switch and send 10,000 volts right through the phone line and fry them like a bug. (Can you hear me now?) He is already the most powerful law enforcement officer in the country, why not make him RoboCop. A one man justice system with super-hearing, one arm that's a steel gavel and another that shoots lethal injections. And for those of you who say that speeding up executions only increases the potential (Potential) that innocent people will be put to death, I say Alberto Gonzales is the perfect man for the job. Because even if he executes the wrong guy he won't be crippled by remorse, because to feel remorse about a mistake, you have to remember the mistakes you make. Right?

        [Video: Alberto Gonzales: I don't recall.]

        Stephen: And that's the Word.

      • Stephen: I'm a terrible driver at 30 miles an hour. Which is why I drive 80.

      • Stephen: You cannot swing a cat these days without hitting a hate group. In fact, a lot of cats are in hate groups.

    • NOTES (0)

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