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Stephen: Tonight Republicans accuse ACORN of voter fraud. It's the most serious charge since they accused pretzel of trying to assassinate the President. Then: Does God care who wins this election? If not, who carried me to that voting booth? And I sit down with Michael Farris, chancellor of a Christian college known as God's Harvard, which makes Harvard God's Texas A&M. Hey America, you scratch my back, I'll demand you scratch my back more. This is the Colbert Report!
Stephen: Now nation, I am deeply, deeply troubled by this situation with ACORN….and that brings us to tonight's Word: Fantasyland. ACORN has collected 1.3 million registrations, but they've turned in thousands of duplicate registrations and some forms with suspicious named like Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck. Evidently Minnie is sitting this election out, she's still bitter over Hillary. (Thinks Obama is a "secret cat") Now ACORN claims this activity isn't voter fraud, that in fact they're required by law to turn in all voter forms that are collected, even ones they think are suspect and for there be actual voter fraud Mickey Mouse would have to show up at a polling place. (Who registered Roger Rabbit?) Now in other words folks, they're saying the threat is imaginary, but then until recently, so was the idea of a black man named Barack Hussein Obama leading in the polls. (Change you can make believe in) Nation, we cannot let Mickey Mouse vote, he's obviously an Obama supporter, just take look at the gift the Senator received yesterday. [photo of Obama with a Mickey Mouse ear hat] It is a blatant attempt to make Obama feel better about his ears.
Let's face it folks, all of Toontown is in the tank for Barack, (Except Foghorn Leghorn) and not just because of this recently released photo. ["photo" of Sarah Palin with a shotgun standing over Bullwinkle's dead body] Nation, we must make sure cartoons don't vote. I say the simplest way is to drop an anvil on the head of every voter. If a single lump rises out of their scalp and a little birds start circling their head, we nab them for voter fraud. If their skull is crushed, they can go ahead and vote. (And host Fox & Friends} Of course, that might still let through some imaginary voters. (Joe the Plumber?) Luckily, there are rigorous laws out there to keep new voters in check, like the Help America Vote act, which helps states turn away new voters if there is any discrepancy between what's on their registration and government records. Even if it's just a typo made by government clerks, and even if that typo is just a hyphen. (Like in "African-American")
Nation, the last thing we want is an illegitimate election, and we know these registration forms are suspect. Polls show new registrated voters are planning to vote 65 to 35 for Obama. (Those over 65 voting for McCain) Now we may not be able to make all these fake new voters real, so we real new voters fake, by getting rid of all new registrations. We'll just go back to when we knew every vote was legit: 2004. Everyone who voted then can vote now, (Lock the vote) of course to prove these voters are who they say they are, they'll have to vote the same way they did back then. (Out of fear) Then, either the Republican or the Democrat will win. Who remembers? (Remaining population of New Orleans) But anyone, and I mean anyone, who has any connection to ACORN absolutely cannot vote, that includes anyone who has ever been the keynote speaker at one of their events.
[Video : Woman: The Senator of the United States of America, Mr. McCain.
John McCain: What makes America special is what's in this room tonight…]
Stephen: You know what? I'm gonna pretend I didn't just see John McCain give a speech to ACORN in 2006, because if it will help McCain win the election, I am willing to live in a fantasyland. (Fantasyland)
And that's the Word.
Stephen: Do you believe anyone who accepts Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior can get into Heaven?
Michael Farris: Absolutely. Will get into Heaven.
Stephen: Do you believe anyone who accepts Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior will get into Patrick Henry College?
Michael: They don't necessarily have the SAT scores to get in.
Stephen: So it's harder to get into your college than it is to Heaven!?
Michael: Yes it is, absolutely.
Stephen: Do you just put the eye of a needle at the front gate and say: If you can get through there you're fine?
Michael: We haven't thought of it, but it's a good idea.
Stephen: So basically you're saying God needs to raise His standards.
Michael: Well, or build more dorms at our school.
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