The Colbert Report

Season 3 Episode 12

Mike Wallace

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Jan 25, 2007 on Comedy Central
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Mike Wallace
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Tonight Stephen welcomes senior 60 Minutes anchor Mike Wallace.

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      • Stephen: Nation, it's time to grab the bull by the horns. If there are no horns, you're grabbing a cow. Stop it! This is the Colbert Report!

      • Stephen: …which brings us to tonight's Word: SMAFU. That stands for Southern Methodists All Frigged Up. Specifically SMU theology professors Bill McElvaney and Susanne Johnson who published an op-ed piece in the school newspaper question the appropriateness of the library given the President's record. Take a look at these two hippies, Jimmy put up their pictures. Far out man! These two put down their opium bongs long enough to ask: "Do we want SMU to benefit financially from a legacy of massive violence…" Of course, someone should benefit financially from it! (Besides Halliburton) Now I could understand if their problem is they didn't want a library, but this will be a President Bush library, there won't be that much to read. (Except for Men's Health, signing statements) Now most of the papers associated with the administration will be off limits until they're declassified. (By Jesus at the Rapture) Now there might be a gym, maybe an interactive brush clearing exhibit, and if you absolutely have to have a book I'm sure they'll have a copy of Albert Camus The Stranger. (On audiotape) So I knew that couldn't be their problem but then Cheech and Chong over here showed their true colors. Listen to the full quote: "Do we want SMU to benefit financially from a legacy of massive violence, destruction and death…What moral justification supports SMU's providing a haven for a legacy of environmental predation…shameful exploitation of gay rights, and the most critical erosion of Habeas Corpus in memory?"

        Oh, I get it, professors Marx and Lenin over here don't want the President's library because they don't like what he did. Well guess what, (What?) it's not about the man, it's about the office. (Clinton's favorite pick-up line) Let me put this into terms a couple of professors of theology should be able to understand. You know who else has a lot of blood on his hands and is on the records as anti-gay? [Isaiah Washington] God! Or do Methodists not read the Old Testament? I assume you have a church on campus? (Does a football stadium count?) Well same thing as a Presidential library, you don't honor these guys because you agree with their actions, even though I do, you honor them because of the position they hold. Americans elected Bush, Christians elected God. Same diff, and hey, if performance mattered, we could impeach God. (Over "Why do bad things happed to good people" gate) So it seems to me "smoo", you're not only anti-American, you're Godless. So unless you want you move your university onto a boat in international waters, or on a lake of fire, I suggest you build that library. After all, the Bible says honor thy mother and thy father. They President my not technically be our father, but at least he's out baby daddy. (Screwed us, now he's leaving)

        And that's the Word.

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