The Colbert Report

Season 2 Episode 86

Mort Zuckerman

Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Jul 12, 2006 on Comedy Central
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Episode Summary

Mort Zuckerman
Tonight Stephen welcomes editor in chief for U.S. News & World Report, Mort Zuckerman.

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    Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


    • TRIVIA (1)

    • QUOTES (1)

      • Stephen: …and it's tonight's Word: The America Conventions. If the Swiss had their way every war would be fought with a tiny knife, a nail file, a magnifying glass and a toothpick. (Corkscrew=Nuclear Option) Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said it best in 2002, the war on terror has rendered the Geneva Conventions "quaint." (Moral tea cozy) Now normally I like quaintness, I wish we could go back to a time when people made their own candles and churned their own butter. (And burned their own witches) But folks, in a war you can't be quaint; you need to win by any means necessary. (Stephen was a Black Panther) Of course, the Constitution police say we have to listen to the Supreme Court. Fine, we'll comply with the Geneva Conventions, but we're going to do it the American way. (Watching it on TV) We're gonna do it with American ingenuity. Article III of the Geneva Conventions may prohibit carrying out sentences and executions without quote: "…affording all the judicial guarantees which are recognized by civilized peoples." But you wanna talk civilized peoples? When it comes to civilization, I'm an originalist. (Opposes opposable thumbs) Let's look at the first civilization, the Sumerians. Sumerians had a simple code: Eye for an Eye, Tooth for a Tooth. (Hammurabi's yearbook quote) So sure, we'll have some trials, but who are gonna believe? A military attorney or a blind toothless terrorist? And of course, the Romans were civilized. (Also ate entrails) They took their prisoners of war as slaves, which could help us solve our problem with illegal immigrants. (Enemy combatants make excellent nannies) And thanks to the Aztec civilization, disembowelment is on the table. (With a nice Pico de Gallo) And if we're talking civilizations, we can't leave out Alien civilizations, so clearly anal probing gets a thumbs up. (Guess where) Of course Article III also says there should be no quote: "…outrages upon human dignity, in particular, humiliating and degrading treatment." Fine, we won't put detainees on Fear Factor. (Fear Factor cancelled) What? Bullet, no! (Stephen, yes!) Damn you Geneva Conventions!

    • NOTES (3)

      • On Notice: James Brady, Lutherans, Black Hole at the Center of the Galaxy, Grizzle Bears, The British Empire, Journal of Paleontology, Michael Adams, Todd Rundgren, Barbra Steisand, Israeli Newspapers.

        Mort Zuckerman was taken off.

      • Better Know A District: Washington's 2nd. Rep. Rick Larson, Democrat.

      • This episode marks the first time Stephen has interviewed someone he has put on Notice.

    • ALLUSIONS (0)

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