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Stephen: Tonight: A debate between candidates for the most powerful office in the land: Dick Cheney's. Then: Should the House approve the financial bailout or should they just drill for oil on Wall Street? And my guest Naomi Klein says Republicans always exploit disasters for political gain. Not true, sometime they exploit gay marriage. It's snowing on Mars so the following schools are closed: Microbe Academy, Bleep Blorp Elementary and St. Teresa's Blessed Crater. This is the Colbert Report.
Stephen: Okay Stephen, I'll accept that we're in trouble, but is this action so urgently needed?
Red Stephen: Didn't you hear the President last week? If we don't pass this legislation the consequences could be disastrous.
Stephen: Like what?
Red Stephen: God will die.
Stephen: Okay, that's pretty bad. But we're giving money to the people who caused the problem. I say we withhold the cash and teach them a lesson.
Red Stephen: Stephen, if your kidneys failed, would you withhold medicine just to teach your kidneys a lesson?
Stephen: I've done it before.
Red Stephen: Yes, and that is why you get drunk on Dr. Pepper.
Stephen: Oh yeah. Okay fine, bailout it is.
Red Stephen: Great. Let's drink on it. To the bailout!
Stephen: To the bailout! So, by the way, uh, what's this going to cost?
Red Stephen: Oh, 700 billion dollars.
Stephen: (spits out Dr. Pepper) 700 billion!?
Red Stephen: (cleans himself off) Yes.
Stephen: Where did the government get that figure?
Red Stephen: Well, the Treasure Department said it's not based on anything in particular, they just quote: Wanted to choose a really large number,
Stephen: Why not just ask for supercalifragilistic-expiallazillion?
Red Stephen: Because that would be ridiculous. All they need is 700 billion to save the market.
Stephen: The free market can save itself mister! The free market can do anything! It can self regulate, it can self correct, it tiptoes into nurseries at night and puts dreams into the minds of sleeping children.
Red Stephen: True. But these are not normal circumstances. Big companies are going under.
Stephen: Good! It's called survival of the fittest. The companies are like lions fighting over the carcass of the economy. Weak companies die, strong companies live then the lionesses, us, know who to mate with.
Red Stephen: Ah, that my friend is the problem. None of these companies are safe to mate with now. See, a terrible credit disease has infected the market. It's like um, business syphilis.
Stephen: Well how did that happen?
Red Stephen: Well, it started with a few slutty lenders who jumped into bed with some really sub-prime mortgages. The next thing you knew you had a credit orgy, people were swapping derivatives, AIG was all up in Fannie Mae, Wachovia took on Golden West then turned around and got it on with A.G. Edwards then CitiGroup had them all at once. It was a steaming pile of hot slapping assets. No one, no one knew who was bundling who but is felt good and everybody was doing it, and in the end, let's just say the market blew its liquidity.
Stephen: Wow! That is hot! I mean no, I'm glad I didn't catch it.
Red Stephen: Not so fast Suzy Creamcheese. You keep any money in a bank? You ever do a line of credit?
Stephen: I mean…sure.
Red Stephen: Then you caught it to.
Stephen: Oh no! What if I just let it run its course? Will it go away on its own?
Red Stephen: Maybe. Or maybe you'll go mad and your junk will rot off.
Stephen: This is still a metaphor, right?
Red Stephen: Sure.
Stephen: So what's the cure?
Red Stephen: 700 billion dollars.
Stephen: Fine! But from now on, no more corporate barebacking! Those banks use regulation!
Red Stephen: Regulation? That's like taking a shower with a raincoat on.
strong>Red Stephen: Okay, I promise. (wink)
Stephen: Fine, you'll get your money. You're the financial expert.
Red Stephen: And you sir, are a formidable opponent.
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