The Colbert Report

Season 4 Episode 93


Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Jul 23, 2008 on Comedy Central
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Episode Summary

Tonight Stephen welcomes rapper Nas who is representing and their petition to FOX to stop racist bias in news.

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    • QUOTES (2)

      • Stephen: Tonight: How bad is our economy? Well, I'll give you my two cents, which used to be a dollar. And Starbucks is closing 600 stores. Now what will all those baristas do before band practice? Plus, I sit down with multi-platinum rapper Nas. He may have street cred, but I have gated community cred. This is a no smoking building…then what am I doing here? This is the Colbert Report.

      • Stephen: Thankfully, I have a way for America to catch up with the European Union, and it's tonight's Word: Join The European Union. Okay, it sounds extreme but hear me out. I may not like soccer, but I love winners, and right now Europe's running up the score. (In soccer terms, 1-0) You see we can join the winning side. Think about it, our money will be just as strong as the Euro, if our money was the Euro. We're halfway there already. Have you seen the color of the new 5? I believe that shade over there is known as Amsterdam Hashhouse Indigo. Okay, to join the EU all you have to do is meet what they call the Copenhagen Criteria. I got it right here. It is a list of standards for candidate countries. (Step one: Draw the prophet Muhammed) Okay, let's see, we got…uhm: Membership requires that candidate countries have achieved stability of institutions guaranteeing democracy and the rule of law. Got that. (Except in Florida) Uh, let's see…okay: Respect for minorities. Well, I'm Nas on. And the existence of a functioning market economy, Well, that's hardly fair. If we had a functioning market economy we wouldn't need to join the EU in the first place! You know what? Forget it, they'll let is in, they let Estonia in. (Won scratch-off contest)

        Now of course, technically, members have to be part of Europe, but this is where we get them. The EU is crammed with anti-discrimination laws, (And nervous Muslims) so if they gives us trouble, we turn their precious tolerance against them and sue for geographic discrimination. (Affirmative mapping) You see folks, I don't see race, so why should they see continents? (Didn't see Africa for centuries) Of course we will have to make some sacrifices. We'll be stuck with universal healthcare and our cars will be much smaller. (Because they'll be bicycles) Personally, I will have to change my glasses and convert my rage into dissipative ennui. Ehh. (Tip of the beret, shrug of the shoulder!) Now, I know what you saying folks: Join the EU? Stephen, are you serious or are you drunk? The answer: both! (It's hump day) You see [pulls out huge stein and starts drinking] I, that really balances out the Ventis I gotta say. I am trying to get used to their beer, it is so much stronger than Bud Light with Lime. (So is Sunny D) Now folks, I am not the only one who's had one two many around here. Here's President Bush recently explaining how the U.S. economy got into such bad shape.

        [Video: President Bush: Wall Street got drunk.]

        Stephen: See! There's nothing we can do. We don't have many economic options right now because Wall Street got drunk. (And we got the hangover) So I say it's off to join the EU. (Or A.A.)

        And that's the Word.

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