The Colbert Report

Season 2 Episode 94

Neal Katyal

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Jul 26, 2006 on Comedy Central
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Neal Katyal
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Tonight Stephen welcomes Professor of Law at Georgetown, Neal Katyal.

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    • TRIVIA (1)

    • QUOTES (3)

      • Stephen: Who hasn't been at family reunion and brushed up against an attractive cousin? Maybe you're both reaching for the potato salad, your hand wraps around hers on the handle of the serving spoon. She blushes… and looks up at you with those crystal blue eyes, just beaming from beneath her visor with a little fan on it. You tighten your grip. Her lips part. Your heart races. But she runs away. You chase her into the shade of an ivy-tangled gazebo. She tells you that you can't. You mustn't. Just because you live in a state that bans marriage between cousins. Damn it! This grim parade of sorrow called life!

      • Stephen: (on the first thing you should do in a blackout) Panic. I know most experts tell you not to, but it's gonna happen one way or the other, so you might as well get it out of the way early while you still have the strength to really get hysterical.

      • Stephen: …which brings us to tonight's Word: Democrazy. Now folks, there was a time when I thought the key to Middle East peace was Representative government, but then Democracy gives us a Prime Minister who sides with Hezbollah, an Iranian President who wants to go nuclear and a Palestinian government controlled by Hamas. ("A car bomb in every garage") So now I'm thinking maybe we did the wrong thing. And I don't mean invading Iraq to take out Saddam! We had to do that. He was a madman bent on world domination, worse than Hitler an imminent threat to our nation! I'm just saying maybe we should bring him back. Now hear me out! The Middle East is a mess, (Because garbage men afraid to leave house) but you know it's not our fault. (Poland deserves some blame) We're to nice to hold the region together, we need somebody who will kick some ass. (Chuck Al-Norris) And folks, Saddam's crazy! (And now he's got prison tats) Even the Iranians were afraid of him. (Like Dracula fearing Wolfman) Put him back in the game and we can play good cop/bad cop. (Or Good Cop/Genocidal Cop) Here's the deal. We say to the Middle Eastern countries you can deal with us, or you can deal with a madman with a mustache. (John Stossel?) Think about it. The last time Saddam was in power the U.S. brokered peace between Israel and Palestine. (8th time's the charm) And Iran bought or missiles! (Can't spell "Iran-Contra" without them) Now I'm sure Saddam will be into it, the guy's chomping at the bit. (After 20-day hunger strike) And folks, we know we can work with him, just ask Rumsfeld. President Bush has made it clear that the best way out of a crisis is strong, unquestioned leadership. (Also best way into a crisis) Well, say what you want about Saddam, (He's a mass murderer?) he's a strong leader. So lets whip him into shape, let's feed Saddam some Pat Robertson's age defying protein pancakes. (Weapons of ass destruction) Then we'll clean him up, tag him, fit him with one of those radio collars and release him back into the palace. (Dictator's natural habitat) Next thing you know, we're back to a 90s era détente between evil crazy Middle Eastern leaders, and those were the days. (When our biggest problem was a dress stain) We have got to do it. The Middle East is a mess, we're in it and there's no way Democracy can help get us out. (Except mid-term elections)

        And that's the Word.

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