The Colbert Report

Season 5 Episode 88

Neil deGrasse Tyson

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Jun 29, 2009 on Comedy Central
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Tonight Stephen welcomes the director of the Hayden Planetarium and the host of NOVA Science Now, Neil deGrasse Tyson. Also, Jeff Goldblum returns...from the dead!
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      • Stephen: Now here's my problem with the Census, if you count everybody, what do you do with the people you don't want to count? Which brings us to tonight's Word: Noncensus. The census determines representation in Congress. If one place has more residents it gets another seat at the expense of another place that lost people. (Looking at you, Gosselin house) And in the past the Census Bureau has made mistakes. In 1990 it undercounted 8 million minorities and double counted 4 million white Americans, an easy mistake, some of then were double white. [Mark Sanford] These days the countries fastest growing group is multiracial. Multiracial? I say America is a melting pot, not the hot tub at the UN. (Site of Ban-Ki-Moonings) Now other fast growing groups include non-whites and non-Christians. (AKA Non-guys-who-look-like-Mitt-Romney) And folks, all these groups vote for Democrats. Luckily there is a solution. The Constitution requires a Census, true, but it doesn't require it be good. (Same goes for Congress) That's why Republicans are constantly working to undermine it. (When not undermining themselves)

        Senate Republicans have put a hold on Obama's choice for Census director, Robert Groves. Good luck trying to conduct a Census without a director. Also, good luck trying to keep an accurate count when I'm doing this: 5, 79, 6, 3, 5, 8, 20, Pi, lalalalalalallalalal. And Republicans are undermining faith in the count by exposing Democrats Census superweapons: ACOPRN, the poorly paid community organizers who could easily bring America to its knees, (ACORN is from China?) and they will do it by helping to find people willing to go door to door to collect information, along with 250 other groups like the NAACP and Target. Republican Representative Steven Kane exposed the bias saying: "President Obama, a former ACORN employee, is now an employer of ACORN. The Dems don't want to face that." Face it Dems! You face that the way the Republicans face that Dick Cheney hired his old employer Halliburton in Iraq. That was just a war, this is a Census, it's important! (Unlike war, it's Constitutional) But to really undermine the Census you need to follow the lead of Minnesota Republican and Kathryn Harris impersonator Michelle Bachmann, who said this last week.

        [Audio clip: Michelle Bachmann: "…the census data has become very intricate, very personal, a lot of the questions that are asked. And I know for my family, the only question we will be answering is how many people is in our home."'

        Stephen: For Bachmann a big number, because she counts all the voices in her head. (Every day is a tea party) But folks, merely undermining the Census isn't enough, we have to attack the real problem. (David Letterman?) We have to attack counting! Counting uses Arabic numerals and it is a known associate of vampires. Plus math's evil can work on us subliminally. Look what happens when I enter the number 7734: HELL!!!! If we can convince people to stop counting, we won't just end the Census we'll also get rid of long standing problems like the deficit, taxes, even birthdays! So let's stop finding out who America is made of, because deep down we know America is a Conservative country as long as we're conservative about who we count. (Noncensus)

        And that's the Word.

      • (After watching a report from the Today Show in Australia about the "death" of Jeff Goldblum)
        Stephen: Well Jeff, you heard it. New Zealand police confirmed it.
        Jeff Goldblum: Well, wow. Gee, I guess I really am dead. Stephen I owe you an apology.
        Stephen: That's okay, you've had a rough day. I for one don't think I can put into words the magnitude of this loss.
        Jeff: Let me take a crack at it. No one will miss Jeff Goldblum more than me. He was not only a friend and a mentor but he was also me. Jeff Goldblum's performances combined the muscularity of Brando, the pathos of Streep and the musky sensuality of a pride of baboons. One former conquest raved that sleeping with Jeff Goldblum was like quote: Being caught in a flesh storm with a 90% chance of satisfaction, unquote. I cannot overstate how amazing Jeff Goldblum was in bed. When Jeff Goldblum passed away, a little bit of all of us died. I will be missed. Especially Sundays at 9 PM on Law & Order: Criminal Intent on USA Network. USA, characters welcome.
        Stephen: That was beautiful Jeff, now go towards the light. Can you see the light Jeff?
        Jeff: I see it. [The exit sign] Yes I see it, it's beautiful.
        Stephen: Go towards the light!
        Jeff: Goldblum out.

      • Stephen Colbert: This is a story so all consuming there's just no room for anything else. Clearly South Carolina governor Mark Sanford biggest mistake wasn't cheating on his wife. It was admitting it one day too soon.

      • Stephen Colbert: Nation, I think it's true that everyone is still in shock over the passing of Michael Jackson. A musical genius who's work will live on for generations. Certainly I'll always remember where I was the first 20 times I heard the news.

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