The Colbert Report

Season 3 Episode 33

Nicholas D. Kristof

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Mar 12, 2007 on Comedy Central
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Nicholas D. Kristof
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Tonight Stephen welcomes Pulitzer prize winning journalist for the New York Times, Nicholas Kristof

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      • Stephen: …and it's tonight's Word: Home Field Advantage. By making other countries better, Mr. Gates and people like him are giving this up. Now I'm all for charity, nothing makes me happier than giving my old clothes away when I'm done with them. But folks, Bill Gates is spending millions to fight poverty and disease in Africa, Asia, South America, the worst places in the world. (Windsor, Ontario?) And you know that's the equivalent of George Steinbrenner giving the Red Sox millions to beef up their roster, if Boston were in Bangladesh. (Less crowded than Fenway Park) Let's face it, the guy whose drinking supply you purify today is the one who takes our tech job tomorrow. (Hydrated in Hyderabad) And you know what? Gates isn't the only one spreading charity beyond America's borders, Oprah Winfrey recently spent 40 million dollars to start a school in South Africa. (Built out of brand new cars!!!) She said third world kids were more desperate to learn than our kids. Yes Oprah, that's exactly why we have to hold third world kids back! (Might skip second world) And then there's the NBA's new program to supply Africans with anti-malarial mosquito nets, it's called Nothing But Nets. ("Make-A-Swish" Foundation) I gotta tell you, what a disappointment. I assumed it was to teach Watusi's how to be power forwards, like in that documentary The Air Up There.

        Now folks, I'm not a monster, (Unless there's a full moon) but I all for helping the poor in places like Darfur, but why can't the rich Darfurians make the first contribution? It's their crisis. And hey, don't the liberals always say who are we to judge these people? Maybe dysentery and guinea worm are part of their culture, I don't know because I've taken the time to not find out, because I'm worried about America. And tonight's guest Nick Kristof said in his column yesterday: "I often hear comments from readers like: 'It's tragic over there, but we've got our own problems that we have to solve first.'" Exactly! Think of the world as an airplane that's going down. The rule is: put your own oxygen mask on before you help your seatmate. (When he passes out, claim armrest) We can't solve the rest of the world's problems until we solve all of our own. (And Iraq's and Afghanistan's) Now as soon as America is completely fixed, which should happen any day now, we'll help other countries. (…with oil reserves) So the quickest way for the starving nations of the world to get our help is to give us help first. (Celebrity babies a good start) That is why I'm calling on the people of Burundi, Eritrea, Sierra Leone, The Congo, please, give, look at this face. [Sad eyed Stephen] I need your help. And if the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation absolutely has to donate money overseas, how about donating it to the Stephen & Melinda Gates Foundation, I happen to know we have a Swiss bank account. (Helvetian Savings and Load #160257) The important thing is we should all think about our own problems first. I know I do.

        And that's the Word.

      • Stephen (about Captain America's shield): I promise to use this shield only to fight for injustice...and to impress girls. Ladies, anybody want to touch it?

      • Stephen: I throw all my loose change in the garbage. I don't like jingly pockets, don't want you hear me coming.

      • Stephen: Can anyone lend me twenty bucks? I can go to a cash machine right after the show. This is the Colbert Report!

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