The Colbert Report

Season 2 Episode 149

Nora Ephron

Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Nov 29, 2006 on Comedy Central
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Episode Summary

Nora Ephron
Tonight Stephen welcomes screenwriter and author of I Feel Bad About My Neck: And Other Thoughts on Being a Woman, Nora Ephron.

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    Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


    • TRIVIA (1)

    • QUOTES (1)

      • Stephen: …which brings us to tonight's Word: Killing Two Birds. This program rids us of illegal immigrants and gives jobs to people who really need them. (Ousted Republicans?) Now sure, you may say: Stephen, our food is being prepared by people with a grudge against society. Yes! But they're Americans with a grudge against society. (As American as spitting in apple pie) Now out there the Mexi-cuddlers say we need illegal immigrants to do the jobs that Americans aren't willing to do. But this proves we already have our own people to do the jobs we're not willing to do. We're helping people at the margins of society finally step up to the level of illegal immigrants. (Pulling them down by their bootstraps) This folks is a win-win, but why stop at one poultry plant? There isn't a job out there that illegal immigrants can't do that can't be done better by prisoners or homeless people. Like landscaping, the perfect job for the homeless. Who better to design your outdoors than someone who lives outdoors? (Will trim topiary for food) And for the prisoners, let's hire them as nannies. No kid is going to misbehave for a guy named Spider doing a hard 20 for torching a liquor store. (The real nanny 911) Plus imagine the fun rainy day activities like brewing juice box hooch out of toilet or making a shiv out of a Playstation 2. And if we find a job for every homeless person and prisoner and we still have more jobs to fill, we can fix that. Instead of sending illegal immigrants back to Mexico, send them to prison. We can hire them for the same wages, but this time it's legal. (Killing two birds)

        And that's the Word.

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