The Colbert Report

Season 5 Episode 149

Norah Jones

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Nov 18, 2009 on Comedy Central
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Norah Jones
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Tonight Stephen welcomes singer/songwriter Norah Jones.
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      • Stephen: Tonight: Sarah Palin has a four hundred page book. It can really do some damage when you throw it at a wolf from a helicopter. Then: The disaster movie 202 takes the world by storm. Also by earthquake and tidal wave. And I sit down with singer/songwriter Norah Jones. I'll ask her about her famous father Indiana. For the 4th year in a row sexiest man alive did not go to Matthew McConaughey. There is no God!!! This is the Colbert Report.

      • Stephen: Well I have taken a peek at this book and it has convinced me that she is the leader our country deserves, and that brings us to tonight's Word: Grand Old Pity Party. Folks, I believe America is the greatest, freest, bestest country that God has ever put on the face of planet Earth, because if you really don't think about it nothing is ever America's fault. (Sundays on NBC: "America's Got Excuses!") The Indians? A lot of that was suicide. Teepees are kind of depressing. (Not as depressing as casinos) Slavery? I believe Kunta Kinte swam here to get away from the lions. (At least he believes black people can swim) And the illegal bombing of Cambodia? That wasn't our fault, we were aiming for Laos. (Laos-Y aim) And this is why I believe in Sarah Palin. While I was hollowing out her book to hide my waffles, I had a chance to read almost the entire cover and I was struck by this subtitle: An American Life. Alright? And that is so fitting because in her 413 page autobiography, just like America, nothing is ever Sarah Palin's fault. (Then who the Hell named her kids?)

        Losing the election, that was advisor Steve Schmidt's fault. The shopping sprees, the shopping sprees were all the idea of some bad people on McCain's staff. (The devils made here wear Prada) And the Katie Couric interview, Katie's entirely to blame. (For turning on camera) And the resigning the Governorship halfway through her first term? Quote: "The decision wasn't about me, it was about Alaska." So it's really Alaska's fault. (How Idita-Rude!) And it's certainly not her fault that much of the book isn't accurate, that's is the fault of the Associated Press, as Palin explained on her Facebook page: "The AP somehow nabbed a copy of the book before it was released…we've heard 11 writers are engaged in this opposition research, er, 'fact checking research!'" Exactly. Where Palin's concerned, fact checking and opposition research are the same thing because she knows the facts are out to get her. And the fact that this book is a steaming pile of **** also not her fault., it was ghost written by someone named Lynn Vincent. (Hi, Lynn!)

        And folks, while Barack Obama continues his world apology tour, (In India, he wore a sorry) I believe true Americans are going to love this book because true Americans know that true Americans are the true victims. My only worry is that things are going too good for Sarah Palin right now. She's on Oprah, cover of Newsweek, Barbara Walters, I think she's doing an ad campaign for Sonic, she is just not looking like a victim. But there us an easy way for her to get that victim feel back. The GOP just needs to nominate her for President in 2012. Not that she would win, after all only 28% of Americans think she's qualified to be President. Come 2012, Obama would pound her into the ground like a tent stake. (Drill, baby, drill!) But folks, that is a win-win, in that it's really a lose-lose, because being a white American Christian woman defeated by a black Kenyan Muslim man, would allow here to truly snatch victimry from the jaws of defeat. (Grand old pity party)

        And that's the word.

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