In the opening graphic Stephen hold up a sign that reads "Yikes."
Stephen: It's hard to explain to the people back home just how hot it is here. Let me put it this way: When Saddam Hussein got to Hell, I'm guessing he asked for a blanket.
Stephen: There's even one more important reason that I'm here, which brings us to tonight's Word: Why Are You Here? You soldiers have already won this war by any measurement. You eliminated weapons of mass destruction, (Easier than we thought) you ended Saddam's tyrannical rule, (Rule #1: More gold leaf!) you allowed the Iraqis to write their own constitution, giving them freedoms they've never known before. (Moustaches now optional) And whatever the blame America first crowd my argue about the rightness or wrongness of going to war, in the last two years you warriors have turned chaos into triumph. (Obama should deploy you to GM) So, the question is: Why isn't it over? Well recently I checked the rules [Looks at a box of Risk] and it turns out it's not over until someone declares victory. It's always the most obvious thing you forget. (Osama Bin…Who?) Well, last time I checked folks, this was Camp Victory. (First time he's checked) Not Camp Cautious Optimism, not Camp Don't Want to Jinx It, not even Camp Obviously We Must Monitor Sunni Participation in the Upcoming Elections in January 2010. Camp Victory!!! Now personally, this is just me, but I don't know why all those Generals haven't declared victory yet. (Busy storming golf course in Tampa-stan) But one thing, certainly Congress hasn't declared victory, (Also forgot to declare war) and the President hasn't declared victory. (Biden did once by mistake) But, really, somebody should, don't you think? Now, admittedly that would take a lot of balls. You know anybody like that? What an awesome responsibility, here it goes. News journalists, get out your notepads. TV journalists, get out your hairspray. You're all going to want to remember where you were when you heard it here first, because today, I Stephen Colbert, by the power vested in me by basic cable officially declare we won the Iraq War! I guess that's why I'm here. (Why are you here?) And that's the Word.
Stephen: Now, I've had a look around the palace. Sadam had fantastic taste. There is so much marble and gold paint, I thought I was watching 'The real Housewives of New Jersey'.
But you know, it must be nice here in Iraq because I understand some of you keep coming back again and again and again. The nice thing, ... yeah give it up for yourselves, ... The good news is, you've earned enough frequent flyer miles for a free ticket to Afghanistan.
Stephen: By the way, you saw that I did basic training, right?
Commanding General, Multi-National Force, Iraq, Ray Odierno: I did.
Stephen: Do you think I have what it takes?
General Ray Odierno: Well, Stephen, I have to say, your basic training really wasn't very realistic.
Stephen: What are you talking about? That wasn't cgi, I wasn't wearing a green lycra suit with pingpong balls glued to it. I as actually doing that stuff.
General Ray Odierno: Well, it's not so much what you did, it's what you had.
Stephen: What did I have?
General Ray Odierno: Stephen, it's hair.
Stephen: What do you mean?
General Ray Odierno: If ou really want to be in the military, you have to get your hair cut like these guys out here.
Stephen: I don't, I don't, I don't know about that.
General Ray Odierno: Stephen, if you want to do this right you've gonna have to get your hair cut.
Stephen: But without my hair, wait a second, without my hair what would I blow dry?
General Ray Odierno: Stephen, you got to cut it off.
Stephen: With all due respect, sir, you're not the best advertisement for a haircut.
And frankly, frankly, sir, it's gonna take more than a four star general to get me to cut my hair!
(Static noise can be heard in the background) Jimmy, Jimmy what... Jimmy what is going on? (A screen comes alive with a video feed of President Barack Obama).
President Barack Obama (Via live video feed): Excuse me, General!
General Ray Odierno: Mr. President, welcome, sir!
President Barack Obama: Thank you, General. First I want to send my greetings to the men and women of our forces in Iraq. I and all Americans thank you for your service.
Stephen: You're welcome, Mr. President.
President Barack Obama: I wasn't talking to you. Second, General, I overheard your conversation about Stephen's hair.
Stephen: Wait a second! You overheard? Are your sy satellites really that good?
President Barack Obama: No, but my ears are really that big.
Now, as a man that really understands the appeal of a close crop, I say that if Stephen Colbert wants to play soldier it's time to cut that man's hair.
Stephen: Wait a second, wait a second.
General Ray Odierno: Sir, is that an order?
President Barack Obama: General, as Commander in Chief, I hereby order you to shave that man's head.
General Ray Odierno: Yes, sir, Mr. President.
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