The Colbert Report

Season 4 Episode 74

Pat Buchanan

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Jun 05, 2008 on Comedy Central
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Pat Buchanan
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Tonight Stephen welcomes conservative political commentator and author of Churchill, Hitler, and "The Unnecessary War": How Britain Lost Its Empire and the West Lost the World, Pat Buchanan

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      • Pat Buchanan: I'm saying Winston Churchill's phrase "The Unnecessary War" is directly applicable to the War in Iraq. We did not need to wage that war. We did not need to start that war because Iraq did not threaten the United States.
        Stephen Colbert: But certainly you wouldn't apply that example to the coming war in Iran. That is a necessary war. It's necessary because the War in Iraq is no longer polling very well.
        Pat Buchanan: …I don't believe a war with Iran is necessary. I don't believe it's inevitable.

      • Pat Buchanan: The Congressman from Palm Beach said, "My people would have voted for Yasser Arafat before they voted for Pat Buchanan."

      • Stephen Colbert: …World War II started because they didn't give Hitler what he wanted.

      • Stephen Colbert: If we hadn't gone into World War II, we wouldn't have the atomic bomb right now.

      • Stephen: So tonight, I'd like to address the class of 2008 everywhere, which brings us to tonight's Word: Oh, The Places You'll Stay. Class of '08 I come to you tonight to deliver the message that if you follow your heart, stay true to your ideals and work hard you can change the world. Please don't do that. A lot of us like the world the way it is. (Held up by a stack of turtles) Personally things are going great for me right now, as a White, Christian man, the world fits me like a glove. (Made in China) I gotta tell you, I am doing just fine, Jack, and I would be grateful if you would not rock the boat. (Technically, the yacht) You know that song We Are the World, We Are the Children? That song is a lie. We are the world, we adults. (Because we say so) I gotta tell you, we adults have worked very hard to make things comfortable for ourselves and we don't appreciate it when some new generation comes along and starts touching our stuff. (Who moved my lactose free cheese?)

        Now your desire to change the world isn't entirely your fault, that idea has been fed to you all entire lives. (Along with corn syrup) Now sure, Gandhi said: You must be the change that you want to see in the world. But may I point out he also drank his own urine? (What frat was he pledging?) Now some of the blame has to go to Al Gore, asking you to change the globe, but please don't try to change global warming. The older generations cut down the forest and sprayed millions of tons of CO2 into the air for a reason. Because the felt a draft in here. This planet can get very chilly, you'll understand when you're older that it's a lot easier to raise the temperature of the ocean a few degrees than to remember to bring a Cardigan. (Oh, yes. One day you will wear Cardigans)

        Now, isn't this election change enough for you? Need I remind you, you are the last class to graduate under President George W. Bush. Next year he'll be gone. (Or at least confined to nightmares) (audience cheers) Don't hide your grief. And I'm not saying all this because I am frightened of your youthful vigor, (He is frightened of your youthful vigor) no, I am telling you this for your own good. I know you want to save the world but savior is a really low paying job with no health benefits. (Savior works at Wal-Mart) Folks, even Jesus only took the job to please his Dad. And He warned you Himself that if you want to save the world you have to take up your cross and follow Him. Those things look heavy. (Why footprints on beach are so deep) Wouldn't it be a lot easier just to take up your remote and follow me? (Oh, the places you'll stay)

        And that's the Word.

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