The Colbert Report

Season 6 Episode 158

Patti Smith

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Dec 13, 2010 on Comedy Central
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Patti Smith
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Tonight Stephen welcomes rock legend and author of Just Kids, Patti Smith.
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      • Stephen: Tonight: How do we get the economy moving again? Maybe we should feed is some of that Jamie Lee Curtis yogurt. Then: The latest in the War on Christmas. Sharpen your candy canes into candy shivs. And my guest rock legend Patti Smith had just won the National Book Award for her memoir. Wait a minute. What kind of rocker remembers enough to write a memoir? The Minnesota Vikings stadium roof collapsed. And it still has a better shot at the Superbowl than the team. This is the Colbert Report.

      • Stephen: Someone has found a way to do that in a way I approve, and it brings us to tonight's Word: Swift Payment. Last week media mogul and Fonda survivor Ted Turner spoke at an environmental conference where he proposed a novel idea to solve global warming. (Acknowledge it?) He suggested that "countries should follow China's lead in instituting a one child policy to reduce global population over time." You see in China you can have only one child, that will make sure the only big brother you will ever have is Big Brother. (Hu's your daddy?) Now I know some of you out there are saying: But Stephen, doesn't Ted Turner have five children? To which I say stop talking to your TV. I can't see or hear you. Ted Turner is way ahead of you. He said "…that fertility rights could be sold so that poor people could profit from their decision not to reproduce." The rich could simply buy the poor people's right to have children. It's like cap & trade if the cap were this. [A condom] Some people see life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness as Constitutional rights, but visionaries like Ted Turner see them as menu options. (No kids menu for you) Sure, poor people who sell their reproduction rights won't continue their family name or know the joy of raising a child, but they'll be able to buy a 52 inch flat screen. (Made by Chinese kids)

        Now this does raise some troubling questions like what other rights of the poor can we treat like fundable commodities? (Their right kidneys?) For instance, everybody's guaranteed freedom of religion, but we could buy that from the poor and make them pray for the rich. We'll see who inherits the Earth now. (Blessed are the chic) But the poor only have so many rights to sell off. Thankfully Ted Turner has mentioned another affect of global warming.

        [Video: Ted Turner: It will be eight degrees hotter…in thirty or forty years and basically none of the crops will grow, most of the people will have died and the rest of us will be cannibals…]

        Stephen: If we don't control global warming, Ted Turner is going cannibal. (Reason Larry King is "retiring") You can't say he didn't warn us. And when that day come the rich can redistribute their wealth by purchasing poor kids as food. (Trickle down gastronomics) Just make sure you get the breast fed one, you get a child using formula the meat's kind of gamey. I even found some great preparation tips by a guy named John Swift. I think he was a famous cook back in England. (Won Iron Chef 18th Century) He says: "A young, healthy child well nursed, is at a year old the most delicious, nourishing and wholesome food whether stewed, roasted, baked or boiled." (Beats English food) Folks, just watch your portion size, otherwise those chubby thighs will go right to your chubby thighs. (I want my baby back ribs) Now some poor people may not want their future children sold or eaten. But what choice do we have? Raising taxes on the rich just leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

        And that's the Word.

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