The Colbert Report

Season 4 Episode 122

Paul Begala

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Sep 29, 2008 on Comedy Central
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Tonight Stephen welcomes political commentator and author of Third Term: Why George W. Bush (Hearts) John McCain, Paul Begala.

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      • Stephen: That's right, listening to Mozart can help cure hypertension. Unlike listening to Wagner, which makes you want to invade Poland.

      • Stephen: Tonight: Are we turning our back on the free market? And is that a good idea considering what it's been doing to us from the front? And another edition of my heath section Cheating Death. Warning: You are not covered. Then my guest Paul Begala says a McCain Presidency would be four more years of President Bush: Wrong! It could be eight years. Nation, I will always make eye contact with you. This is the Colbert Report.

      • Stephen: The market is fine, we are the ones who are not functioning properly which brings us to tonight's Word: Ye Of Little Faith. Now folks, everyone seems to have forgotten, but the free market is not just some economic theory we can abandon when things get rough, it requires faith.

        [Video: Joe Scarborough: I'm a capitalist, I believe in the free market…
        Congressman: I believe so strongly in the principals of the free market…
        Barack Obama: I believe in the free market….
        Glen Beck: We either believe in the free market system or we do not,]

        Stephen: It is a lot like believing in another all powerful begin: (Oprah?) God. See, like God the market is all around us, (The bullet brought to you by Dr. Pepper) and folks, the market guides us with an invisible hand. (Gives C.E.O.s invisible reach around) Now God, God inspires towering steeples, the market: towering skyscrapers. Both God and the market evidently both compensating for something. And like God, if we have faith in it the free market is the answer to all our problems, but if we doubt it, it will withhold its precious gifts. (Precious gifts not FDIC insured) Now some out there are going to say that this financial meltdown shows the market is fallible, that it is in fact not God. (Under bailout plan, Henry Paulson would be) Well, I will tell you it does not mean that the market is not God, it means that the market is just a dangerous and destructive God. Think of the Old Testament, look at Job. (While you're looking for a job) Job was riding high on a big livestock and children bubble before that burst. He lost everything but he stayed faithful to God and got back even more than he lost. (Had to postpone retirement till he was 140) Or, now that I think of it, maybe the market isn't like the Judeo-Christian God at all, it might be a blindly vengeful god with a thousand hungry mouths who comes in the form of a winged serpent to destroy the universe with a black flame! (Cheney?) It would make sense that the market is some ancient god of wrath, after all, the high priests who enter the holy of holies clearly go mad.

        [Video: Jim Kramer: They're nuts! They're nuts! They know nothing!]

        Stephen: My point is: Hear me O children of capitalism, thou shalt not abandon thy one true God for the false idols of socialism! That way lies eternal damnation! (Or worse: Universal healthcare) We must believe even harder, our god demands sacrifice, and I don't mean regulation, I mean human flesh! (Can we start with Henry Paulson?) Hell, we already threw Lehman Brothers into the mouth of the beast! Then it ate AIG and it ate WaMu and it ate Wachovia, it's gobbling Wall Street firm by firm and it's still hungry! I say we feed it main street! Being eaten alive by the market is better than admitting the government should have any role. So everybody, calm down. (Do as I say, not as I panic) There is nothing that we can do now, thanks to the House Republicans we are in the market's hands, and it will take care of us only if we trust it. Oh ye of little faith. (And littler savings)

        And that's the Word.

      • Stephen Colbert: Are you claiming that Republicans don't know how to screw anybody?

      • Stephen Colbert:(Talking about Bush) Don't you want more of this guy?
        Paul Begala: No, I think I'm with 82% that think he is doing a terrible job. He tried to ruin the country in his first term. He tried to ruin the world in his second term. Let's not give him a third term!

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