The Word: Enviro-medal Disaster.
Stephen: I see it as tonight's Word: Enviro-medal Disaster. Al Gore is rapidly depleting one of Earth's most precious resources: awards. (Melting prize caps) The man is plowing through our prizescape like an unstoppable bulldozer of acclaim. Every day another precious irreplaceable acre of trophies disappears into his gaping maw, never to be seen again. ("Daddy, what were the Latin Grammys?") And you know folks, don't tell me the science isn't in. These [backdrop of all kinds of trophies and prizes] were the Costa Rican trophy fields just ten years ago, here's what they look like today. [just a batting trophy left] Here's what Al Gore looked like seven years ago, here's what he looks like today. [picture of fatter Al] I think we know where those trophies are going. Nation, at his current rate of accolade consumption there will nothing left for our grandchildren to win. (Except "Most Submerged") If we care about the future of our Golden Globe we must slow down this Gore juggernaut, or Gore-gernaut, and the only way to do that is to stop thinking he's so great. And the only way to do that is to stop thinking President Bush is so terrible. (Stop thinking?) Ever since the 2000 election, raw hatred of George W. Bush has been converted into pure acclaim for Al Gore.
Just look at this statement from John Edwards campaign: "Congratulations to Al Gore…his leadership stands in stunning contrast to the failure of the current administration…" You would think Edwards could come up with something a little more personal, he clearly just bought that at Hallmark. They have a whole new line, look at this [picks up card] "To a wonderful daughter, sweet and special birthday hugs. [opens card] Al Gore's leadership stands in stunning contrast to the failure of the current administration." Clearly anti-Bush sentiment is fuelling Al Gore's rampant and wanton destruction of the global prizescape. (Win-vironmental degradation) Nation, if we want to preserve the splendor of our congratulatory pageantry for future generations, it is our sacred task to conserve hatred of President Bush (Reduce, reuse, revile) measured in BHU's or Bush Hate Units. For instance reading a Frank Rich op-ed column in the New York Times creates 50 BHU's, but if after reading that column you say "I may disagree with his policies but he clearly loves his wife and children" you can remove 10 BHU's from the atmosphere. You can also help offset the world's love for Al Gore by purchasing what's called Bush credits. Every time you're upset by something the President does, just log on to www.bushcredits.com say what he's done to anger you and enter the amount of money you think your anger is worth. (In Canadian dollars, please) Your donation will go to a deserving anti-Gore cause such as The Bulb Foundation, a non-profit that drives boats into the middle of the ocean and dumps out tons of energy saving compact fluorescent light bulbs.
Nation, together we can fight the Gore menace by attacking at its source, resentment out our President. Because Gore's not the only one who deserves an award. Don't our children deserve a few? And doesn't our President deserve just one? (Nobel war prize)
And that's the Word.
Stephen: There is nothing I enjoy more on a crisp, fall day then watching immigrants pick fruit.
Stephen: My guest Paul Glastris ranks colleges by the good they do for our country. They're all tied for dead last.
Stephen: I don't win the Nobel Prize. Looks like I've been buying all that dynamite for nothing.
Kucinich: And this is the pocket constitution. The declaration of independence.
Colbert: Okay, this is the famous...
Kucinich: The US constitution.
Colbert: This is the famous pocket constitution. Now, did you shrink this down yourself?
Kucinich: Oh, no, no, no. George Bush already did that.
Stephen: An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough.
The music playing after the completion of Colbert's pocket-emptying challenge to Kucinich is "Hand in My Pocket" by Alanis Morissette.
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