The Colbert Report

Season 5 Episode 147

Paul Goldberger

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Nov 16, 2009 on Comedy Central
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Paul Goldberger
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Tonight Stephen welcomes architecture critic and author of Why Architecture Matters, Paul Goldberger.
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      • Stephen: Tonight: The gays want more. C'mon, we already gave them Doogie Howser. Plus: Aerosmith might be breaking up. I believe they all want to pursue separate nursing homes. Then my guest is noted architecture critic Paul Goldberger. I'll see what he has to say about my favorite architect Mike Brady. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck send it back it's a little undercooked. This is the Colbert Report.

      • Stephen: Well now they're coming after the most sacred human act of all and it brings us to tonight's Word: Skeletons In The Closet. Folks, last year Mark Goldberg, a Rhode Island resident and confirmed homosexual…we have confirmed that right? (Check) Okay, good…was kept from claiming the body of his partner even though the two had been together for 17 years and were married in Connecticut. Not only was he not allowed to claim the body, he couldn't put an obituary in the paper. Although that might just be because there aren't any newspapers left in Rhode Island. (Mafia wraps fish in laptops) So of course the left wing legislature decided to grant gays "special rights" like "…the right to claim the bodies of – and make funeral arrangements for – their loved ones." Typical activist legislator legislating though legislation. (How a bill becomes Bill & Gary) Thank God Rhode Island Governor Donald Carcieri vetoed the bill calling it quote: "A disturbing trend…of the incremental erosion of the principles surrounding traditional marriage." Exactly! The gays are always trying to steal the best parts of marriage. (Getting fat together) You know, like claiming the body of your spouse.

        This is an assault on marriage from beyond the grave. They're like gay zombies. They start with marriage but what they really want is to change our minds. That's right, these gay zombies want our braaaiiiiins. Governor Carcieri knows this is even more important than the sanctity of marriage. (The sanctity of buryage) You're married for what, if your lucky 50 years, you're dead for eternity. (And talking to Jennifer Love Hewitt) But folks I say God did not intend for death to be between man and another man, death is between one man and one very hungry worm. (Lost page of "The Very Hungry Caterpillar") Now let's suppose that one day, God forbid, the Governor dies. How is he supposed to rest in peace knowing that a couple of plots over two dudes are being gay dead? (Gives new meaning to headstone) Remember, Jesus said "What is bound on Earth is bound in Heaven." If we bury them gay together down here they'll be gaying it up in the afterlife. That's not Heaven. Heaven is singing in a choir in a flowing white robe, wearing little white wings playing a harp. You know, guy stuff! (Don't ask how the gates got pearly)

        I believe that the Governor might not be going far enough. If we really want to protect the sanctity of traditional decomposing it might be time to bar gays from having funerals. Now hear me out. I am not a monster, I'm in favor of civil end of life ceremonies. (Eulogy delivered by DMV clerk) It's just like a funeral except legally you don't have to bring a covered dish. And instead of defiling our traditional graveyards gay people came have their own same sex cemeteries. We'll call them sametaries. (Totally R.I.P.-ped) All the Governor and I are saying that we shouldn't have to watch these people flaunt their alternative deathstyle. So, no open caskets and no viewing of gay deceased because if gay couples are going to die in accordance with their present legal standing, they need to be dead the same way we want them to live: invisibly. (Skeletons in the closet)

        And that's the Word.

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