The Colbert Report

Season 5 Episode 83

Paul Muldoon

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Jun 18, 2009 on Comedy Central
8.6
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Tonight Stephen welcomes poet Paul Muldoon. Also, Jeff Goldblum stops by to praise flies and condemn President Obama for killing a fly.
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      • Stephen: Tonight: Someone finally agrees to accept Gitmo detainees. Ooo, I hope it's Gitmo! Then: Congress passes a new tobacco bill. They thought it would make them look cooler. And my guest is Pulitzer Prize winning poet Paul Muldoon. I'll nail him so hard you can bet that he'll swoon. To make a long story short, give Joe Biden a sedative. This is the Colbert Report.

      • Jeff Goldblum: Stephen, my friend, thank you so, so much really for stand up for a group that too long has been misunderstood. Flies, these majestic creatures have been around for 65 million years, man only 160,000. Isn't it possible, just possible, that they have something to teach us? I think they do. We call them the common housefly, but maybe we're the ones who are common. All they want is to be loved and to feed on our waste. So instead of swatting them with our hand we should be holding them in our hearts. Instead of spraying them with Raid we should shower them with affection. After all, you never know, somebody who started out as a fly may go on to such great things as Jurassic Park, Independence Day and Law & Order: Criminal Intent, Sundays at 9 on USA.
        Stephen: Wow, that is so moving.
        Jeff: I'm not finished. Mr. President, apologize for this brutal act of violence. And while you're at it, apologize to Sarah Palin for that joke Letterman told. There can never be enough apologies.

      • Stephen: And speaking of terrorists, among the Gitmo prisoners freed last week were four members of China's oppressed Uighurs Muslim minority, released to Bermuda on the technicality that they were innocent. Take a look at these pictures: fishing, ice cream the Nestea plunge. Which brings us to threat number 3: Tropical Uighurs. These eager Uighers are a threat to my vacation enjoyment. There's no way as I can have as much fun as someone who's been unfairly imprisoned for seven years. Sure I like the beach, but imagine the first time these guys go surfing. Look at me, they'll say, now I'm boarding the water. Uighurs, stop having so much fun, because right now I am fighting a serious urge to be persecuted by the Chinese, captured by Pakistani bounty hunters and wrongfully imprisoned by the US. I want ice cream!

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