The Colbert Report

Season 4 Episode 150

Paul Simon

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Nov 18, 2008 on Comedy Central
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Tonight Stephen welcomes singer/songwriter and author of Lyrics: 1964-2008, Paul Simon.

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      • Stephen: Tonight: I tell you the one thing politicians won't say and the price list of what they will. Then: I'll take a look at Barack Obama's strict vetting process. Suddenly it is important who you pal around with. And my guest is musician Paul Simon. It's about time I added some African polyrhythms to my political opinions. If you ever forget to watch my show, just try this handy mnemonic: Watch. My. Show. This is the Colbert Report.

      • Stephen: But I have found one thing to be thankful for, and it's tonight's Word: Love Lost: Folks, this year everyone talked about hope and change, but thankfully we never took the next step to much more dangerous ideas. (Their bastard sons, hange & chope) No, I am talking about peace and love. (And this time, not to convince jury) Those words feel so dirty in my mouth. (takes a swig of Listerine and spits it out, then offers the spittoon on eBay) Point is, this campaign season peace and love were two words you never heard. (Forced out by "community" & "organizer") Now we all knew just how to describe Barack Obama. [Video clips of multiple reporters calling Obama the anti-war candidate] Very important: he was the anti-war candidate, not he peace candidate. (Although Edwards was "piece" candidate) Well folks, we weren't always this lucky. In the 60s, the words peace and love were as common as magical housewives. People thought that were serious concepts with international implications, George McGovern was the peace candidate and in 1972 voters gave him the peace sign. (Minus one finger) Now thankfully peace and love were discredited as ideas because they became associated with the excess of the time like drug use. (And hideous sideburns) Since then we have kept the words peace and love out of serious conversation, and if we even get close to those ideas, they are exposed for the joke they are. Just listen to this caller get schooled on FoxNews Radio.

        [Audio clip: Caller: Yeah, I just want to say I think this is a beautiful time in America, uh, we're about to take on a new direction. It's the dawn of a new era…
        Host: An era of what?
        Caller: An era of mutual respect and cooperation and unity and respect for people…(host starts playing Age of Aquarius)
        Host: Oh far out man! Hey man! When's it gonna start man? Hey man, he said cooperation man! What are you talking to me like that dude?]

        Stephen: You got schooled hippie! Everybody knows that you can say, if you say anything in hippie-speak it's not true, for instance: Like, hey dude, the net force of an object equals its mass times its acceleration man! There! I completely invalidated Newton's Second Law of Motion. (I could totally got for a fig Newton) See, talking about peace and love shows weakness, that's why these days you only find the words peace and love where they belong: on stamps. It doesn't mean they're worthless, if I want to get my cable bill in on time, I have to give peace a chance. So this Thanksgiving, I am thankful that is these days of hope and change, we haven't yet taken the next foolish step to peace and love. (Instead, take out aggression on Turducken) I mean if you start loving your enemies, pretty soon you're going to end up in a drum circle with Mahmoud Achmenakoombayaajad. (Without preconditions?!) So be careful America, peace and love are powerful ideas, if we start talking about them, we might actually get the hope and change everybody keeps talking about. (Love found)

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