The Colbert Report

Season 3 Episode 51

Paulina Porizkova

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Apr 18, 2007 on Comedy Central
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Paulina Porizkova
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Tonight Stephen welcomes supermodel Paulina Porizkova and author of A Model Summer.

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      • Stephen: If you're watching from outside your coverage area, this is a ten dollar copay. This is the Colbert Report!

      • Stephen: And that question brings us to tonight's Word: Branded. Folks the War on Terror is more than just a phrase, it's a brand with a reputation and track record. (Like Ford Pinto) Sure, we're fighting a slew of different enemies and maybe using the phrase "War on Terror" unites them and dignifies what is essential a criminal cause into a Pan-Arab nationalist struggle but what would this Limey she-male have us call the war on terror instead!? (Afternoon tea on terror?) Apparently in jolly old Britain instead of calling it a war they use phrases like "law enforcement" and "soft power." Excuse me, but soft power is something you do with a consenting partner until he or she says the safe word. ("Submission accomplished") Unfortunately folks this kind of defeatist thinking is also infecting our own politicians, even the ones with men's names. (Lindsey Graham?) Our own Armed Forces Committee wants to banish the phrase Global War on Terror from the 2008 budget. (Already banished the word "surplus") They want to replace it with: Ongoing Military Operations throughout the World. Okay, folks, now we've officially lost! No one signs up for "Ongoing military operations throughout the world," (Army of none) I'm sorry, that's not a brand name. (It's a low-cost generic) You can sell a War on Terror. ($2 trillion in three easy payments) So fine, if the government refuses to sell the war on terror anymore we need to turn to someone who can sell it, the private sector. We'll sell them the naming rights, there's no reason somebody can't make a buck of this thing. (Other than Cheney)

        Corporate sponsorship of the war would be the ultimate product placement. Now, sure a lot of corporations may not be used to having their names associated with human suffering, (Except maybe Axe Body Spray) but just think of the opportunities. There's a nice ring to the Gillette Fusion War on Terror, I think a five blade razor might scare the crap out of these guys. And remember, there's plenty of ad space to sell. Because in the end which would you rather fight? The War on Terror or Various military intelligence operations against certain Shi'ites, a quantity of Sunni's, a few Kurds, Iranians sneaking across the border and Syrians helping Iranians help Iraqis on terror. The State of the Union speech would last forever.

        And that's the Word.

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