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The Colbert Report

Season 2 Episode 97

Peter Beinart

0
Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Aug 01, 2006 on Comedy Central
8.9
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Peter Beinart
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Tonight former editor for the New Republic and author of The Good Fight: Why Liberals--And Only Liberals--Can Win the War On Terror and Make America Great Again, Peter Beinart.

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    • TRIVIA (0)

    • QUOTES (3)

      • Stephen: (referring to Fidel Castro) Way to go, America! Our plan to slowly deteriorate his health over the course of fifty years is working!

      • Stephen: The following program is rated "T" for... This is the Colbert Report!

      • Stephen: …which brings us to tonight's Word: Uncool. That's what you'll be if you submit yourself to this vaccine. Why would anyone want to stop smoking? (Because it's bedtime) Smoking has great health benefits, (Get you outside) just ask any doctor. (From the 1940s) Besides I'm against vaccines, I think we should get rid of them. (Put them out to Pasteur) Especially the ones the health-qeuada push on our kids. No one gets rubella or polio anymore. Why are we wasting our time and money vaccinating our kids against them? (Useless as FDR dime) But the main reason I don't like vaccines is that most of the work by injecting you with antibodies someone or something else produced. Oh, I'll just let rat # 253 develop polio and then I'll take a hit off that serum when he's through. Anyone with any guts would face those viruses one on one. (Mano-a-Mono) Besides last time I checked, smoking's not a disease, it's a consumer choice. (Of 14 year olds) So there's nothing to cure. And the only thing this vaccine will get rid of is the tobacco industry, perfectly legal companies that only produce one thing: (Addicts) smooth flavor. What this vaccine is really trying to eliminate is not a disease, it's free market capitalism. (Paging Drs. Marx & Engels) Are we going to start making vaccines for other popular products? A patch that keeps me from Turtle Waxing my car? (When wife wants to talk) Are we going to produce a nasal spray to help my kids kick the juice box habit? (Starting neighborhood straw exchange program) Or maybe we should make a chewing gum that will keep me from chewing gum. (A doublemint standard) If you ask me, instead of attacking the tobacco industry, doctors should fight something we want to get rid of like lung cancer. Why isn't anybody working on that? Have you seen the numbers? They're out of control, we have got to find the root causes. In the meantime, keep your vaccines to yourself Dr. Buzzkill. You're not gonna make us healthy, you're just make us uncool. (UnKOOL)

        And that's the Word.

    • NOTES (1)

    • ALLUSIONS (0)

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