The Colbert Report

Season 4 Episode 75

Phil Weiss

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Jun 09, 2008 on Comedy Central
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Phil Weiss
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Tonight Stephen welcomes New York columnist Phil Weiss.
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      • Stephen: But there is a way for the South to rise again, and it's tonight's Word: If At First You Don't Secede. In Florida last week a brave organization called the Sons of Confederate Veterans hoisted a 30 foot high, 50 foot long Confederate Battle Flag on a 139 foot pole over Tampa, Florida. Hoisting that flag is quite an achievement given that as Sons of Confederate Veterans, these men must be over 110 years old. (Explains 1890's values) And they put the Stars and Bars on the busiest stretch of highway in Florida, at the intersection of I-75 and I-4. You can't miss it, it's right off Martin Luther King Blvd exit! One can only imagine what Dr. King himself might say. ("I have an upset stomach") Now critics claim the Confederate flag is racist, but most critics are just citizens of the Confederacy's long time rival, (Reality?) the United States of America. They don't understand the Confederate flag's unique history. (Used to be a dude) Now sure, it was symbol of segregation in the 20s, and the 30s, and the 40s and the 50s and the 60s…and a little bit of the 70s, (Till the Duke boys set it free) but before that the flag was just an innocent banner of a violent revolt which killed more American soldiers than ever other American war combined. And that revolt was not entirely about slavery, (Just 3/5ths of it) besides it all happened so long ago at this point who even remembers who enslaved who? Come on. Everyone knows the Confederate flag merely represents Southern cultures. (Like a swastika says "Oktoberfest!") And folks, Southerners need the flag, just listen to Marion Lambert of the Sons of Confederate Veterans on FoxNews.

        'Video: Marion Lambert: The Confederate flag we're putting up because it's the most recognizable Southern symbol that there possibly can be. And so therefore we have no choice other than the Confederate flag…]

        Stephen: They have no choice. If there's no flag there how can Southerners remember they live in the South? (Pork in fruit salad?) Now personally I forget I'm from South all the time. I mean, I grew up in South Carolina. What happened to my accent? (Jon Stewart beat it out of him) Plus putting up a 1500 square foot Confederate flag actually fights discrimination. Discrimination against flags. (They prefer "cloth-Americans") To once again quote the Sons of Confederate Veterans: "We have a couple of flags in this country, this is one of them." We have a couple of flags! So, why should the Confederate flag have to sit on the back of the flag bus? (Oh, my God) To this day, school children are forced to pledge allegiance to only one flag. To fight this prejudice against Southern heritage, may I now propose these modest changes to our Pledge of Allegiance?

        I pledge allegiance to a couple of flags, of the United/Confederate States of America, and to the Republic for which they stand, or stand against, one nation until further notice, indivisible for the time being, with liberty and justice for all. (Or Y'all)

        And that's the Word.

      • Stephen Colbert: (part of the "Threat Down") To recap, John McLaughlin just revealed the bombshell that Warren G. Harding was a negro which brings us to threat number one: secret negro presidents! McLaughlin was referring to rumors spread during the 1920 election that Harding had a black great grandmother. And, if it was a rumor spread during a presidential campaign, you know it's got to be true…Nation, now that Harding is black, more presidential revelations are sure to come to light. For instance, James Buchanan was our only bachelor president and therefore our first gay president. And Franklin Pierce was quite possibly our first woman president and our first lesbian president. Who knows? With revelations like this, John McCain could turn out to be our first straight, white, male president. So, vote McCain and make history.

      • Stephen Colbert: Isn't there any chance that this is a sophisticated rationalization for being a complete a**hole? Not you, because you haven't done this, but that you're giving the license to being a complete a**hole.
        Philip Weiss: You know, Stephen, it's not very sophisticated of you. Well, no, the answer is no.
        Stephen Colbert: I'm a simple man.
        Philip Weiss: I think that the problem is that if you just look at the history of marriage and monogamy. Monogamy is a myth.
        Stephen Colbert: If you want to keep variety in your sexual married life, why not the missionary position with a bunch of different hats?
        Philip Weiss: I think it's great.

      • Stephen Colbert: You said that hunger for sexual variety is an irresistible impulse.
        Philip Weiss: Well, I think that one of the things that I discovered was that everyone delivers on their sexual needs. That's something that we all end up doing in one way or another. We can restrain it, to some degree, but people are going to end up serving those needs.

      • Stephen Colbert: (part of "Threat Down") Never trust the naked. They're always after something, usually clothes. Look at this little criminal. (shows picture of baby) Oh, he's so innocent and helpless. I guess I better give him food and shelter and pay for his education and cater to his every whim until he's robbed me of my youth. Babies, I am onto you.

      • Stephen Colbert: After the events of the last week, I am numb. And not just because of the botox. I inject myself. I don't need some doctor with a fancy degree to shoot poison in my face. This weekend Hillary Clinton dropped out of the democratic race. I have lost my best frenemy.

      • Stephen Colbert: I always say, if you can't beat 'em, report 'em to Homeland Security. They'll beat 'em for you!

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