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The Colbert Report

Season 5 Episode 46

Queen Noor

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Apr 07, 2009 on Comedy Central
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Queen Noor
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Tonight Stephen welcomes Jordan's Queen Noor.
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    • QUOTES (3)

      • Stephen: Tonight: Are TV networks desperate for revenue? Find out more on an all new episode of How I Met Your Pepsi. And: I explore New York's 25th District. It may be 25th in number but in my heart, it's 12th. Then my guest Queen Noor wants to rid the world of nuclear weapons. Sounds like somebody doesn't have nuclear weapons. Vermont just legalized gay marriage. Ben, you can finally propose to Jerry. This is the Colbert Report.

      • Stephen: But folks, there may be a new way to save TV, and it brings us to tonight's Word: Morally Bankrupt. Okay folks, I love this. This is a great idea coming from the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation. Not to be confused with the Stephen & Melinda Gates Foundation, although they both provide shelter for those in need. (Stephen's is a tax shelter) Now the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation promotes projects around the world like agricultural development, malaria prevention and releasing mosquitoes in packed auditoriums.

        [Video: Bill Gates: Now malaria, of course, is transmitted by mosquitoes, and I brought some here so you could experience this (opens jar of mosquitoes)…]

        Stephen: Unfortunately for Bill, a week earlier Steve Jobs released mosquitoes with wifi. (And it's a phone) But now Bill and or Melinda have reached out to the truly needy: television producers, who they're paying to embed pro-social messages into their shows. This message placement has already appeared in ER, Private Practice and Law & Order: SVU. For instance one week, Christopher Meloni raised HIV awareness by spending the entire episode with a condom on his head. Personally folks, I think we have enough messages on TV, like husbands are fat and dumb, ("Honey, I started a soft-serve business out of the garage!") wives don't want us to have any fun, ("Well then maybe you should sleep with the soft-serve machine!") and black women are sassy and wise. ("You better home he doesn't like chocolate, girlfriend!") But Gates messages are for a higher cause: cash, and now his foundation has made a deal with "…all Viacom networks…" Guess what? This is a Viacom network! Nation, I am about to grow a conscience. (Pregnant women need folic acid) After the check clears! (A glass of wine won't kill ya, preggos) That's better.

        Now folks, if I may speak for the entire Viacom family, (Sumner Redstone has reproduced?) I believe that this is TV's proudest moment. (Suck it, Roots) I mean, would Bill Gates really think it necessary to insert these positive messages without shows like Celebrity Rehab, I Love Money and Manswers? (In development: Boob Punchers!) It is a bold new business model, we have finally created a product with so little societal value that someone is willing to pay us to provide the most cursory positive messages. That's an untapped source of revenue. (I would tap that revenue) But I say instead of shoehorning pro-social messages into future of shows like Flavor of Love, why not save a buck and shoehorn it into reruns. I'm sure if we look hard enough we can find wholesome messages. (Just beneath the spray tan) In fact, I have already taken the liberty of injecting wholesome messages into a few classic scenes. Jim?

        [Video: I Love Money: Bimbo: When you hear Midget Mac say that she's had herpes, I'm like: Hold up.
        Other Bimbo: How do you know she has herpes?
        Midget Mac: I know I do.
        Voice over: Talk to you partner about STDs
        Shot of Love: Tila Tequila: Ladies you will be eating a pig's vagina!
        Voice Over: The vagina is not the most nutritious part of the pig.
        Flavor of Love: Bimbo: Watch your step, someone…
        Flava Flav: They sh*t on my stairs!
        Tiger: She's pooed!
        Voice Over: Don't poop on the floor]

        Stephen: Words to not poop by. (Catch VH1's celebrity poop off!) Mr. & Mrs. Gates, I await your cash flow. With my idea and your support, we'll be able to make television a force for good without removing any of the good stuff. (Morally bankrupt) And that's the Word.

      • Stephen: I'll make you a deal, I sign the declaration if you will knight me. You're a queen!
        Queen Noor: I have knighted children of friends…
        Stephen: I have an infantile mind.
        Queen Noor: …never an adult. Which category are you in?
        Stephen: I'm as needy as a child.

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