The Colbert Report

Season 2 Episode 51

Ralph Nader

Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Apr 20, 2006 on Comedy Central
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Episode Summary

Ralph Nader
TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes author and activist, Ralph Nader!

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Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


  • TRIVIA (1)

  • QUOTES (4)

    • Stephen Colbert (confused about which camera to turn to): Some nights, I don't know where the truth hole is.

    • Stephen Colbert: Only dopes do dope.

    • Stephen: ...which brings us to tonight's Word: Bard. As in these kids should be barred up in jail. Six to ten in the local state pen. (That's dactylic triameter) I've never been a fan of rehab, it's just a fancy word for coddling. (Like "daycare") If we really want to help these kids out we need to put them in prison because prisons work. (That's why the same people keep going back) This Shakespeare program on the other hand, is the worst kind of rehab. Look at they guy they're using as a roll model. Shakespeare was as a debtor and a blackguard. (Blackguard: An unprincipled person; a scoundrel) His plays are immoral and will only encourage our at risk youths to engage in lesbianism, (Twelfth Night) homicide, (Othello) regicide, (Macbeth) fratricide, (Hamlet) matricide, (Hamlet again) suicide, (Hamlet again, again) and cannibalism. (Romeo and Juliet) He's a bad influence folks, wake up. After all, what were the Montagues and Capulets but Crips and Bloods in tights. (Drive-by thumb-biting)

      Now teaching kids Shakespeare will just make them more violent, filling their minds with carnal theatrics and arming them with a dangerously outdated vocabulary. (Try text messaging "Alackaday") I mean listen to this stuff. "To be or not to be, that is the question. (Deal or No Deal?) Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, (Walk it off) or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing end them. (Nuke Iran) To die, to sleep, to sleep perchance to dream. (On Ambien, perchance to eat) Aye, there's the rub. (No happy ending) For in that sleep of death what dreams may come (Tennis with Jesus?) when we have shuffled off this mortal coil (Does this mortal coil make me look fat?) must give us pause. (Shakespeare had Tivo?) And there's the respect that make the calamity of so long life." (Calamity until '08 at least) I have no idea what that means.

      Point is, if we're going to rehab kids through theater, it needs to be the right kind of theater, and it needs to be done in prison, that way, they'll have a sell out crowd. (Captive audience) They can perform plays, just perform Neil Simon. (Cruel and unusual punishment) Maybe "Guys and Dolls." (Pity who plays the Dolls) Nothing will bring the Latin Kings and Aryan Brotherhood together like a rousing rendition of "Luck be a Lady." (Or "Luck be my Bitch") It's just what these kids need to leave their life of crime for good. (Exit, pursued by a bear)

      And that's the Word.

    • Stephen Colbert: Is this the Colbert Réport? The answer may surprise you... This is the Colbert Réport!

  • NOTES (0)


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