The Colbert Report

Season 2 Episode 127

Randy Newman

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Oct 09, 2006 on Comedy Central
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Randy Newman
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Tonight Stephen welcomes musician Randy Newman.

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    • TRIVIA (1)

    • QUOTES (1)

      • Stephen: …which brings us to tonight's Word: Safety. When I was a kid I always felt safe. I'd go to school, play games there wasn't a thing to worry about. ("Let's play global thermonuclear war!") But now the world's different, kids face all sorts of new dangers. (Congressmen and spinach) For instance firearms are the second leading cause of death for kids 19 and under and the number of American kids under 14 killed by guns each year is 12 times then number killed in 25 other industrialized countries combined. So how do we make our schools safe again? How do we get back to a more innocent time? (Ban flag burning?) Wisconsin state lawmaker Frank Lasee has the answer.

        [Video: Frank Lasee: What I want to do is allow school personnel to carry weapons and to protect themselves and our children in our schools…]

        Stephen: Yes! Arm the teachers! (Nice shot, Mr. Chips!) The only way to keep guns out of our classrooms is to put guns in our classrooms. (Reloading is fundamental) Guns will be a deterrent. (Plus, 9mm teaches metric system) You see if a teacher might have a gun a suicidal psycho will stay away, I mean, he wouldn't want to put his life in danger. Of course if the psycho does not follow this rational line of thinking, he might kill the teacher first, that's why we also have to arm the students. (No guns left behind) Now not every child can be trusted with a weapon so we'll give the students psychological evaluations. (And arm the psychologists) And the ones who pass the psych exam will get firearms training, (Ones who fail go on football team) of course guns aren't the only danger our children face, there's also drugs.

        Dealers lurk around playground trying to hook a new generation, (On something other than Ritalin) that's why we must provide our teachers with drugs. Good stuff, top self Bolivian marching powder. ("We've got spirit, yes we do!!!!") Pushers won't stand a chance if our kids know there's primo sh*t in the bottom drawer of Mr. Johnson's desk. (Next to unfinished novel) Of course teen pregnancy is also rampant. (Damn you K-Fed!) Well those hormone crazed hooligans won't be getting our teenage girls in trouble if the girls are already pregnant. That is why we must artificial inseminate the entire freshman class. (Life begins at orientation) Shouldn't be hard, do it when they're high. You think some stranger is gonna enter school if they know it's full of pregnant, gun toting drug addicts? (Substitute teachers do it) Folks that would be like storming the Thunderdome. (Or the Superdome) Now obviously I'm dreaming big here, the first step is getting weapons in the hands of our teachers. (Chalk and awe) What other possible way is there to protect that which is most precious to us? (Second Amendment) So to keep our kids safe, we must first take the safety off. (Safety)

        And that's the Word.

    • NOTES (0)

    • ALLUSIONS (2)

      • The graphics package for Stephen Colbert's Sports Update was designed to resemble those of the ESPN show "SportsCenter", an exceptionally popular sports highlights/news program.

      • "Let's Play Global Thermonuclear War!"

        This bullet point is reference to the film WarGames(1983). A teenage computer protegy inadvertantly hacked into the NORAD computer, and selected 'Global Thermonuclear War' from a list of games, not knowing that it was actually in control of America's nuclear weapons, inadvertantly setting up an actual global thermonuclear war.

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