Barack Obama: Manufactured political distractions, you are officially on notice!
Stephen Colbert: (shows news clips about the strength of the white male vote in democratic primaries) Finally, America's white men are being heard and the candidates are attempting to address the issues important to the male Caucasian demographic, issues like drinking, bowling, and napping.
Stephen: But there is no one who truly speaks to the White, male, working class voter. There was John Edwards, but let's face it he's out of the race. Politically he's no longer a factor to be reckoned with. (Edwards comes out)
John Edwards: I beg to differ, Stephen. And that brings us to tonight's Ed Words: Valued Voter: You know Stephen about While males playing an important role in this election. Their votes are being courted as a demographic tie breaker between these two tough candidates and no White male vote is being courted more vigorously than this one. (No offense, Al Gore) It is no secret that both campaigns have sought my support. So far I haven't decided which of these excellent candidates I'm going to endorse. On the one hand, I don't want to be seen as anti-hope. On the other hand I don't want James Carville to bite me. (Carville hasn't had shots) So who, who am I going to vote for in the next, last Primary, North Carolina? Well I'll support whoever presents a platform that's consistent with my values. (Universal haircare) I'll support the candidate who'll raise the federal minimum wage, somebody who'll fight for 37 million Americans who wake up in poverty every day. Somebody who'll protect the interest of working families, also I'd like a jet ski. They are so much fun, and I don't really care which kind, (Kawasaki 800 SXR) but those are pretty sweet. You know, Elizabeth & I love to go to the lake house in the summer and it would sure be fun to go jet skiing together. So I guess we'll actually need two jet skis.
Which reminds me, there are two America's, one America that does the work and another that and one that reaps the rewards. (And a third one that gets rich suing the second on behalf of the first) Hey! Hey! (Sorry, had to do it) I understand what working folks go through. I don't know if I've mentioned this before but my father was a mill worker. (1,000,000th mention, (balloons drop)) So you know what? Let's get him a jet ski! No before anybody goes out there and saying all John Edwards cares about are jet skis, that is not true. I am deeply concerned about the lack of affordable heathcare in this country, the fact that we need to insure every single man, woman and child in America goes without saying. (Especially by McCain) But what does need to be said is that I will only support the candidate who promised to make me a spy. That would be so cool. I'd get to have all those high tech gadgets, (Pen that launches child-care tax credits) I want to go on an least one mission a month. And it should be someplace awesome like Prague or a moonbase. Although I'm willing to settle for Tahiti or the Riviera, anywhere there's a chance for a jet ski chase.
But America should never settle for allowing so many to live in economic hardship. If we put our minds to it we could end poverty in 30 years. (Bush ended middle class in 8) I want my grandkids to be born in a world where true economic equality is no longer a goal for the future but a reality of the present. (Grandkids born in "Second Life") Oh, and I want my face on money, Secret Service protection for my dogs. And three new national holidays, Cate Day, Jack Day and Emma Claire Day. Okay kids, you can go to bed now. (Or else daddy won't get you a jet ski) So Barack, Hillary, if you want this White male vote you're going to show you care just as much about the things that really matter to me as I do. [Jet skis]
And that is the Ed Word.
Stephen Colbert: (about Patrick Murphy) My guest tonight is the only member of Congress to have served in Iraq. Since he's back I assume we've won.
Stephen Colbert: (to Obama) Excuse me Senator, I can't hear you over the sound of you not wearing a flag pin. It's deafening.
Stephen Colbert: Could God create a rock so heavy He Himself could not know you're a secret Muslim?
Stephen Colbert: (about Hillary Clinton who told him to call anytime) I am going to call her at 3 a.m. I'm sure she left her cell phone number.
This episode was nominated for an Emmy for "Outstanding Directing For A Variety, Music Or Comedy Program."
This marks the first time someone other than Stephen has delivered the Word.
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