The Colbert Report Season 1 Episode 18

Stephen: …which brings us to tonight's Word: The Orient. Or what the PC police call Asia. Four little letter, 3 billion little people. President Bush has embarked on an 8 day tour of the continent, he hopes this trip goes better than other trips he's made recently to other continents. Obviously he's not doing that well in North America, (36% approval) his trip to South America had a few bumps, (Angry mobs of torch carrying bumps) Europe seems to think that the President doesn't care what they think, but hey, who cares what they think. (Not the President) They could thank him for all he's done for their flaming effigy industry. Now, I'm not even going to mentions Africa. (Except just now) They have to get themselves together before they can go criticizing someone else. (Sound familiar Charlene?) Of course, Antarctica is frozen, (For a little while) and Australia, country or continent guys, make up your mind. (Penal colony) So Asia is Mr. Bush's chance to find love in a world that has turned against him. (Next on "Lifetime")

So, Mr. President, here are just a few tips to make a good impression on these wonderful people. Number One: I know he's your father, but don't throw up. (Steer clear of yak) Out vomiting your dad might have made you a legend at Skull & Bones, but sir, it is bad diplomacy. Also while you're in China, don't talk about human rights. (Ix-nay on the Ibet-Tay) It's considered rude okay? Do go to South Korea, not North Korea, you'll recognize South Korea because they're the ones with food. (If you count Kimchi) Don't talk about money, (No Yen or Yuan for You) right now we owe the Chinese billions of dollars. If you bring money up they might ask for it back. We don't have it. Also, while you're there, do grab me a DVD of "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire." I know it's not our in theaters yet, but I'm pretty sure you can get a copy of in on the streets of Shanghai. Now this is most important: Don't bring back the Asian Bird Flu. You've got to pardon a turkey in about a week, (Tom walks) also, don't bring back pandas.

Ever since Nixon brought those two cage potatoes Ling-Ling and Sing-Sing back, local news has been obsessed with marsupial sex. I don't need to know who's got a forked hoo-ha or a double whatsit. If I wanna know that's why I have the internet. (linglinglust.com) Plus, bears are dangerous marauding animals, although while they're not technically bears, tell that to the bamboo. (Bamboo is murder) Mr. President, if you follow my advice, you'll do fine wooing Asia once everyone sees you with a hot Asian continent on your arm. And once they see that hot Asian continent on your arm, who's gonna call out of the blue? (Charlene?) Europe. They want to talk just to see how you're doing. (So over it) Next thing you know, you're all South America can think about. (Had your chance) And eventually, your true love North American will see the folly of her ways and welcome you back to her loving arms.

And that my friend is the Word.