The Colbert Report

Season 1 Episode 24

Richard Clarke

Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Dec 01, 2005 on Comedy Central
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Episode Summary

Richard Clarke
TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes the author of The Scorpion's Gate, Richard Clarke!

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  • Stephen offers his opinion on the controversial topic of the death penalty.

    The show opens with a teaser of content from the show, which involves everything from Richard Clarke to the death penalty.

    Stephen starts off the show by talking about something he discussed with yesterday's episode, Rick Springfield returning to General Hospital. It seems Stephen hasn't been able to get the song, Jessie's Girl out of his head since, and starts singing it, but when he can't remember a line, he turns to Bobby, but he doesn't know it, so he turns to Rick Springfield, who is off-stage, with a guitar, and he sings the next line for Stephen.

    Stephen transitions to the Winter Olympics, which he's really excited about. He's already got tickets to all 200,000 bi-athalons.

    Stephen then moves onto the death penalty. This brings us to tonight's edition of "The Word", which is "Spectacle". Stephen favors the death penalty, while the support for the death penalty is dropping all the time.

    Back from commercial, Stephen starts the "Tip of the Hat/Wag of the Finger" segment. Seattle gets a Tip of the Hat as it was named the top literacy city, but then got a Wag of the Finger for two monorail cars colliding. The Rock and Roll HOF was given a Wag of the Finger for the choice of inductees, and Sotheby's Auction House received a Wag of the Finger for overpricing a George Washington Portrait, which didn't sell.

    Back from commercial, Stephen apologizes for a mistake in the previous segment. Stephen then introduces tonight's guest, Richard Clarke. Their discussion is about his new book, The Scorpion's Gate.

    Stephen ends the show by talking about a face transplant which took place in France. Stephen chooses to give thanks to all of the plastic surgeons out there. Stephen honors them by placing a breast implant on one of his shelves, but Stephen can't help but hold onto that breast implant.

    The ending of the show was hilarious. Stephen wouldn't let go of that breast implant, and even as the show was ending, he snagged the breast implant, and walked away with it.moreless

Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


  • TRIVIA (1)

  • QUOTES (1)

    • Stephen: …which takes us to tonight's Word: Spectacle. Recent polls show that the death penalty has reached its lowest levels of support in 25 years. (Too "Deathy"?) Apparently many Americans see strapping a man to a gurney and poisoning him as somehow cruel. (The toughest love) That's why this next execution is so important, the 1K mark offers a great opportunity to promote the death penalty to a new generation. (Death: Life to the X-TREME!) I support the death penalty because statistics prove it is an effective deterrent. Now I know some of you fact checkers out there in the factosphere will say that's not the case and I'm just making things up. Well, guilty as charged. What are you gonna do? Execute Me? Oh wait! That's not a deterrent! (Nailed ya!) Well, you keep your factual analysis, I know in my gut that the threat of lethal injection is the number one reason I haven't murdered anyone yet. (#2 reason: wood chipper broken) I gotta think that if the death penalty was imposed for robbery, assault or say, ticket scalping, ($500 for Earth, Wind and Fire?!) there would be a lot less of those crime too. (And more organs to harvest)

      And a lot of countries out there agree with me. Among them, Belarus, Burundi, Congo, Equatorial Guinea, Guyana, Iran, Kyrgyzstan, Mongolia, Qatar, Rwanda, Trinidad & Tobago, Yemen, I understand Zimbabwe is on board with this, I see Swaziland up there, United Arab Emirates that's a good one, and Zambia. That went by pretty fast, but I'm sure there were some Western countries on that list. (Nope) Most disappointing, my own Catholic Church is against the death penalty, well that pretty hypocritical position considering they wouldn't even have a religion if it weren't for capital punishment. (Good enough for God) But for the death penalty to be a truly effective deterrent, people have to pay attention when somebody's getting it.

      Let's think a minute. Tomorrow is the 1000 execution, let's do this right, let's add some zazz. (Some sizzle) Opening act, bring someone out for a caning. (Tucker Carlson) Then maybe some Aerosmith. (Rockin' the shockin') Then, once the crowd's all pumped up, we bring out our man of the hour. I'd think twice about going with this Boyd guy, with an event this important, you want to go with a name. Wait a minute, hold the phone, brainstorm: We make it Saddam. Obviously we'll have to wait a little longer, but I really think 90 percent of this is casting. (10% Potassium Chloride) Then we bring him out. The announcer "Dead Man Walking." No! "Dead Man Skateboarding." (Youth market) Then he's strapped to a gurney, and a lucky contest winner get to deliver the lethal dose. (By text message) Or better yet, someone on Fear Factor has to eat him. (Beats a buffalo penis) Whatever it costs, it will be worth it. Calling attention to capital punishment will help get the message out there, "Thou Shalt Not Kill."

      And that's the Word.

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