The Colbert Report

Season 6 Episode 2

Riley Crane

Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Jan 05, 2010 on Comedy Central
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Riley Crane
Tonight Stephen welcomes physicist Riley Crane.
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      • Stephen: Tonight: The military response to the underwear bomber. Should we go commando? Plus: America has a new enemy. I knew the ZuZu Pets would turn on us. And my guest Riley Crane won a contest to find ten balloons in America. Big deal. In the 80s, Nena found 99 red balloons. Happy 79th birthday Robert DuVall. I love the smell of Metamucil in the morning. This is the Colbert Report.

      • Stephen: The point is, if we want to feel like we're stopping the terrorists, we all have to make major sacrifices, which brings us to tonight's Word: Ideal Or No Deal: Folks, Al Qeada is relentless and we need a security measure to keep us safe. America's pundits have the solution.

        [Video Clips: Karl Rove: We do have to be on the lookout for people from the Middle East or from largely Muslim countries…
        Pundit: There should be a separate line to scrutinize anybody with the name Abdul or Achmed or Muhammad…
        Pundit: If you are an 18 to 28 year old Muslim man, then you should be strip searched.]

        Stephen: True, but I believe the General just violated don't ask don't tell. (Always inspects his privates) Every time a young Muslim man arrives at the airport the TSA should respectfully take him aside and give him an involuntary colonoscopy. (Where the Sunni don't shine) This cannot fail, folks, everyone knows that terrorists are all young, poor, disenfranchised Arab Muslims. Well, except the Christmas bomber, who is a middle class, well educated Nigerian. Which frankly I don't think is fair. We elected a black guy, what more do Nigerians want? (Our bank account number over email) I mean ever since we elected JFK the Irish haven't terrorized us with their shillelaghs. (Just with Michael Flatley) So I guess we have to profile anyone who looks like a Nigerian too. Basically all black people and I'm not saying all black people look alike, I'm saying I can't tell them apart. (Just calls all of them "Kanye") I mean, really, which one of these guys is the Kenyan. Of course, there was the dirty bomber Jose Padilla, so we'll have to go after Hispanics too. (Need a job, Lou Dobbs?) Then of course there's shoe bomber Richard Reid, God only knows what he is. Belgian? Patchouli? So to be safe let's profile anyone named Reid: Robert Reed, Rex Reed, Dr. Reed Richards. I mean he's the only one who can slide under the cockpit door. (Or sit comfortably in coach) Now of course all of this raises and important question.

        [Video: Reporter: Should part of enhanced airport security include profiling passengers of certain countries, races or religions, or does any type of profiling run against our Constitutional beliefs and national ideals.]

        Stephen: I don't think so, but then again Ben Franklin said: "Those who sacrifice liberty for security deserve neither." Then again Franklin said a lot of things. ("Have that whore washed and sent to my kite shed) So, really, you have to take all of his statements with a grain of salt. (Also how he liked his whores) But I think the choice is simple, either hold on to our ideals and accept the remote chance you might die in a terrorist attack or toss away our ideals and accept the remote chance you might die in a terrorist attack, but at least we'll fell like we took action. (Just like recycling!) And surrendering our ideals mighty not be that hard, after all, America's most cherished ideal is that we're a country that lives up to its ideals, and once that goes the rest will be easy.

        And that's the Word

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