The Colbert Report

Season 6 Episode 37

Robert Baer

Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Mar 15, 2010 on Comedy Central
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Robert Baer
Tonight Stephen welcomes former CIA operative and Robert Baer. Also, Stephen talks to Raj Patel about Share International claiming he's the reincarnation of Buddha.
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      • Stephen: Tonight: Is the media too focused on sex scandals? I'll get to the bottom of this story no matter who I have to bang. Plus: Are we witnessing the second coming of the Buddha? I'll believe it when he appears on my grilled cheese sandwich. And my guest is former CIA operative Robert Baer. I'll ask him if the squirrel is in the basket. The census is already over budget and these are the people in charge of counting? This is the Colbert Report.

      • Stephen: There is a way to refocus the media on our war in Afghanistan, and it is the subject of tonight's Word: Afghanistan. Just Afghanistan folks, nothing clever. Our nation is at war, but all the media can focus on is the sordid details of the Eric Massa scandal. Now I've been over all of them on my show and I don't need to recap them now. The tickle fights, the non sexual groping and being poked in the chest by a naked Rahm Emmanuel? Though Rahm famously lost the tip of his finger as a teenager, so I don't know what he was poking Massa with. Now obviously I'm guilty too, but you have to understand where those of us in the media are coming from. The war in Afghanistan is nine years old, and of course the public and the media are going to be tempted to ignore the subject, especially when there is a much more important story: Patrick Kennedy's meltdown on Capitol Hill!

        [Video: Reporter: It as Congressman Patrick Kennedy who launched into an absolute tirade this afternoon on the floor of the House.
        Greta Van Susteren: …screaming at the top of his lungs on the House floor…Congressman Kennedy wen't ballistic….
        Reporter: Congressman Patrick Kennedy unleashes an epic rant….
        Reporter: Congressman Patrick Kennedy ripped into the media…
        Sean Hannity: Patrick Kennedy's meltdown, and we've got the videotape…]

        Stephen: It's all in my new segment: Camelot Camelost: The Madness of Prince Patrick. Oh No He Kenne-Di'n't! Folks, I'll have more on this story as my graphics department completes it. But America must never forget that we've committed over 100,000 of our brave men and women to fight in Afghanistan. That's not just Army, that's Air Force, Maries and Navy. Speaking which, I head when Massa was serving in the Navy during Desert Storm he walked in on a bunk mate who was masturbating and asked "you need any help with that" although technically when someone else helps it's no longer masturbation. It's team building. And folks, let's face it: Afghanistan is complicated. When the Russian invaded in 1979 we supported the Mujahadeen, elements of which later formed Al-Qeada, when the Taliban took power they embraced Al-Qeada but other Mujahadeen formed the Northern Alliance who were our allies when we overthrew the Taliban and a lot of them were Pastunes which were the larger ethnic group meow meow meow.

        But the point is Patrick Kennedy is right, complexity is no reason to ignore a story, you've got to dig deep and explain it no matter how convoluted the details Like it turns out an old Navy friend of Massa's bunk mate Tom Maxfield said that Tom told him, the friend not Massa, that once Tom woke up in the middle of the night to see "Massa undoing is pants and trying to snorkel him." Now legally I can't explain what snorkeling is, let's just say you're wearing that snorkel because you're spearfishing for the one eyed trouser trout. Now folks, the media has a obligation to keep you informed about the events in Afghanistan. For instance, last week our man Hamid Karzai invited the 9/11 and Holocaust denying, nuke pursuing, protester shooting President of Iran to their capitol city and sat there while he criticized America, the country that is keeping Karzai's head from being lopped off by the Taliban, but most disturbing part of the story is what the did when then met: they hugged: Two dudes! Look! Now I'm not saying they're playing hide the kabob, but is sure look like Karzai is being groped my Mahmoud Ahmadaticklejad. We have got to stay on this story, Representative Kennedy, you're welcome.

        And that's the Word.

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