The Colbert Report

Season 5 Episode 22

Robert Ballard

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Feb 10, 2009 on Comedy Central
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Tonight Stephen welcomes oceanographer Robert Ballard
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      • Stephen: Tonight: Tough times for the Republican Party. This sounds like a job for tax cuts! Plus I give a shout out to a former employee, which reminds me, I have a bunch of people to fire. Then my guest is Robert Ballard an archaeological oceanographer. Oooh! The rare double nerd! Let's agree to disagree with anybody who disagrees with me. This is the Colbert Report.

      • Stephen: Luckily folks, there is a model for success even in these troubled times, and it's tonight's Word: Loyal Opposition. Nation, the GOP must find a way to thrive. For two years the Democrats have occupied Congress, but not everyone is willing to surrender. Like Texas Republican Congressman Pete Sessions, who told the National Journal lat week that to fight the Democrats quote: "…insurgency may be required…" Now, before this man gets taken out of context, he was not saying the GOP should model themselves after Al-Qaeda, that would be offensive. (Not as much as "Barack the Magic Negro") No, he was just saying the Republicans model themselves after "…the Taliban…" That is a meaningful, substantive difference. Like the meaning between work and a job. (Or between bullsh*t and a load of crap) Now Congressman Sessions is not suggesting that the Republicans start hurling grenades and chanting in the streets, ("Death to stimulus!") no, he simply said quote: '"I simply said one can see that there's a model out there for insurgency.'" …"before being interrupted by an aide." I believe the aide's exact words were: Excuse me, I have to go update my resume. (On I-work-for-a-monster.com)

        Now this insurgency shouldn't be too hard for the Republicans, they have quite a bit in common with the Taliban. (Maybe Republican Congressman have "beards") Neither one of them is all that big on women's rights, they both want God in government, both were in favor of the U.S. invading Iraq and of course they both follow shadowy leaders who communicate through poor quality videos. [Osama Bin Laden/Rush Limbaugh] It is a great plan. Once the Republicans start to act like the Taliban, hopefully President Obama will start acting like President Bush and ignore them. That will give the GOP time to regroup in their secret mountain lairs. (Technically a molehill with good press secretary) Oh, and they should probably start making their own heroin. (Or at least "Bill Kristol Meth") So, Congressman Session, don't you apologize for what you have said. The Republicans have lost the trust of the people, (Also lost jobs of the people) and clearly the best way to win back their trust is to copy the strategy of our enemies. Remember what happened when Republicans painted Barack Obama as a terrorist: He won. (To the victor goes the spoiled economy)

        And that's the Word.

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