The Colbert Report

Season 5 Episode 113

Robert Wright

Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Aug 18, 2009 on Comedy Central
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Episode Summary

Tonight Stephen welcomes religious scholar and author of The Evolution of God, Robert Wright.
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      • Stephen: Tonight: Shocking news from the world of comic books! One of them hasn't been made into a movie. Then: A surprise twist in the German Parliamentary election, although generally I'm not a fan of German surprises. And my guest Robert Wright says religion has evolved over time, or in the case of Scientology, through market research. Congratulations Brett Favre, on setting the NFL record for incomplete retirements. This is the Colbert Report.

      • Stephen: Well I say some things don't need changing, and it brings us to tonight's Word: Arch Enemies. Folks, for 67 years Archie Comics have been packed with eternal Archie-types. Take Jughead, he's just a guy in a tiara who hates girls and eats and eats as if he's filling a great emptiness inside him. (His Jugheart) Or take Moose, the musclebound athlete who spies on his girlfriend and flies into an almost uncontrollable rage at her supposed infidelities. He is drawn right from America's sports pages. (He's dating Madonna?) Or take Chuck, he's black. But the most classic Archie-types are Betty and Veronica, two impossibly beautiful girls constantly fighting and scheming for the love of a guy who is slightly less manly than this cartoon beaver. This is a real American storyline, women fighting each other in a desperate bid to find a man. (Or eating bugs in bikinis on TV) And it is a classic depiction of womanhood, like being born poor but beautiful enough to be saved by a prince. Sorry ugly stepsisters, you're dying alone. (After writing "Eat, Pray, Love") Now we always define women characters based on which man they can land, and if we stop doing that, you know what would happen? (Entourage would be cancelled?) Disasters!

        Everything in life is a balance of power, East vs West or Left vs Right. (Or Democrats vs themselves) And of course women with black hair vs the same woman with blonde hair. Archie proposing to Veronica upsets that balance of power, once the battle is decided something awful could happen to Betty or Veronica. (One of them will wind up married to Archie) They could stop fighting. After all, we beat Germany and now they're our biggest European trading partner. If women join forces, become allies, what chance do men have? They outnumber us, they mature earlier, they live longer, (They don't look weird naked) and they can birth life. I can't do that no matter how many pre-natal vitamins I take. All I do is pop folic acids I haven't birthed so much as a talking kidney stone, and dammit I am meant to be a mother. (Staff already calls him one) Plus, without Archie to focus on, what would Betty do with herself? Probably something sad like rediscover her own dreams and devote her life to making the world a better place [Hillary Clinton] Of course if Betty did become Secretary of State and went to Africa to combat human rights abuses against women, we'd have to do the right thing and only report her reaction to a question about her man.

        [Video clips: Hillary Clinton: Wait, you want me to tell you what my husband thinks? My husband is not the Secretary of State. I am.
        Sean Hannity: How many of you saw Hillary, I mean literally lose her cool…
        Reporter: Did Secretary Clinton snap?
        Reporter: Hillary Clinton snapping….
        Sean Hannity: Fallout from Hillary's international explosion continues….]

        Stephen: Now sure, sure one isolated gaff isn't a realistic depiction of our Secretary of State, but no one wants reality. We want Hillary to be a cartoon. (Already married to Steamboat Willie) So, Betty, listen closely, you have to end this engagement the only way I want it to be possible, through sexual infidelity. If you really want to break them up, you have to got to seduce Veronica. (Betty Veronica Barcelona) Just remind her that nobody knows a woman's body like another woman. And it's particularly true for you two since you are drawn with literally the same body. If that doesn't work, just grab a sharpie and draw yourself doing it. It's not hard, I've done it a million times, sometimes I even toss in Garfield. (That should cheer up his Mondays) Now, granted this plan won't bring things back to the way they were, but it will be hot. And if I can have one unrealistic, cartoonish depiction of female relationships, I'll have the other. (Archie-types)

        And that's the Word.

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