The Colbert Report

Season 2 Episode 53

Sam Harris

Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Apr 25, 2006 on Comedy Central
out of 10
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Episode Summary

Sam Harris
TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes the author of The End of Faith: Religion, Terror, and the Future of Reason, Sam Harris!

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  • Tom Hanks is the number one threat to America.

    The show opens with a teaser of content from the show, which involves everything from David Lee Roth to Arlen Specter and oil.

    Stephen starts off tonight's show by mentioning there was a pay per view seance with the ghost of John Lennon. He then shows a trailer for the pay per view show called "The Spirit of John Lennon". According to the show, Lennon's message was "Peace... the message is peace." Wanting to know more, Stephen tries to make contact with Lennon himself. He claims to do it often with Warren G. Harding just to shoot the breeze. Stephen pulls out an album, a candle, and a radio to make contact with Lennon. Stephen's able to communicate with Lennon, who of course is played by Stephen himself. Anyway, Lennon claims his message was mis-understood. It was "piece" not "peace". He needs a piece of the backend - money. Apparently everything in heaven is expensive, especially since it's a gated community and all.

    Moving on, Stephen turns his attention to David Lee Roth, who's radio show has been cancelled. This brings us to tonight's edition of "The Word" which is "Panama". The problem with David Lee Roth is he's a rock star, not a radio host.

    Back from commercial, Stephen shows us a keychain which counts down the amount of time left in the Bush Administration, something Stephen doesn't want to end anytime soon. He then introduces this week's edition of "The Threatdown." The number five threat is Senator Arlen Specter because he wants the government to slap a big tax on the oil companies because of their big profits. The number four threat is Illinois because the legislature is proposing to pass legislation supporting the impeachment of President Bush. Stephen then shows his new book, The Top 50 States That Are Destroying America. LL Cool J is the number three top threat for discouraging rappers from spending their money. We need that money in our economy. The second top threat is FedEx because the founder, Fred Smith donated a sum of money to a zoo to build an exhibit of Grizzly Bears. You can understand Stephen's anger. What's the top threat this week? Tom Hanks! He's starring in the new movie, The Da Vinci Code. Tom says the movie will be a good thing for discussion in religious circles.

    Back from commercial, Stephen welcomes tonight's guest, Sam Harris. They have a rather funny debate on religion and faith.

    Overall, I was surprised by tonight's show. The only disappointing segment was the interview. The seance with the spirit of John Lennon was short but hilarious, particularly their goof.moreless

Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


  • TRIVIA (1)

  • QUOTES (12)

    • Stephen Colbert: It's almost midnight on the East Coast, which means we'll soon only have 999 days left in the Bush presidency. I know that stings, but if we savor every moment... if we observe each action our president takes, I'm sure it'll feel like a million. Good night, everybody.

    • Stephen Colbert (to Sam Harris): Do you think that when you die, you'll go to a lake of fire, a lake of frost, or will you be alone in the knowledge that you denied God and are now denied his love?

    • Stephen Colbert: Senator Specter, you're not a Republican, you're a Democrat disguising himself in a Republican wig, lipstick, and heels. I don't care how bad the lighting gets in here; America's not gonna buy you a drink and take you to a hotel room, only to be hideously shocked by what you've got duct-taped down there. Sorry, but I've been burned too many times.

    • John Lennon's Spirit: I am bigger than Jesus.
      Stephen Colbert: Now you got into a lot of trouble the last time you said that the Beatles were bigger than Jesus.
      John Lennon's Spirit: No, not the Beatles. I am bigger than Jesus. I've met the man, and I've got to tell you, I've got at least two inches on him.
      Stephen Colbert: Hmmm.
      John Lennon's Spirit: No, not the Beatles. I am bigger than Jesus. I've met the man, and I've got to tell you, I've got at least two inches on him.
      Stephen Colbert (Laughs) You just said that.
      John Lennon's Spirit: Listen, I've got to run. I'm making a miraculous appearance at a boat show. 15 bucks a pop!
      Stephen Colbert: Well, thank you for joining us, John Lennon's Spirit, an American hero.

    • Stephen Colbert: This is the kind of science I like, the kind with the word "pseudo" in front of it.

    • Stephen Colbert: How many pundits does it take to change the world? Three: me, myself, and I. This is The Colbert Report.

    • Stephen Colbert: Author Sam Harris is here to say there is no god. He'll be swallowed up by a crack in the earth.

    • Stephen Colbert: Plus, Senator Arlen Specter suggests attacks on big oil profits. Someone's gonna find a drilling platform in their swimming pool.

    • Stephen Colbert: Tonight, David Lee Roth fails as a radio host. Assless pants are no good if you can't see 'em.

    • Stephen: ...the answer is tonight's Word: Panama. Folk, Panama is a country that is only good at one thing, (Isthmusing?) having a canal. David Lee Roth is only good at one thing too, singing Panama. (Too hot teachers) He's not a radio host, he's a rock star, there's a big difference. (Ask any groupie) We don't want a guy who's huge in Japan talking called from the Bronx, it's demeaning. (To the Bronx) David Lee Roth on morning drive time is like Mick Jagger joining the cast of some stupid sitcom. Oh wait, Mick Jagger is joining the cast of some stupid sitcom. Look at this, "Rock 'n' role; Mick eyes TV gig." Famous people, knock it off. When you're good at one thing keep doing it. (Like Courtney Love and rehab) Please humiliate yourselves by trying something new! It didn't work for Jesse Ventura or Arnold Schwarzenegger. Watching those guys govern is like watching Madonna act. (Like she's 35) People who don't agree with me will say "Well why shouldn't people change?" Walt Whitman said: "Do I contradict myself? Very well then I contradict myself." (Whitman sampling) Which just goes to show, Walt Whitman should have stayed a newspaper editor. (Boyfriends called him "Scoop")

      Now the Bush administration gets it. (Never tries anything new) That's why the President recently removed Karl Rove as a policy advisor, that's not what he's good at. (Dishonest not best policy) No one wants to watch Karl Rove come up with Social Security privatization ideas, they want to see him do what he does best. (Look like a giant baby) This election year he's headed out on a 40 city tour where he'll play all his favorite songs: Jamming the Phone Banks, Slamming the Gays, and singing his greatest hits. ("McCain's got a Little Black Baby") This guy is going to be performing high kicks in assless pants, metaphorically. (Thank God) So David Lee Roth, your know what to do. Crawl back to Eddie Van Halen, tell him you're sorry for sleeping with Valerie Bertinelli. (A made up rumor, but a good one) Folks, we all have to stick with what we're good at, after all the President sticks with what he's good at: invading countries. (Iran is #2 with a bullet) You know why? His old man showed him by invading Iraq. (And Panama)

      And that's the Word.

    • Stephen Colbert (to Sam Harris): My God could kick your God's ass.

    • Stephen: I'm a Christian, I'm looking forward to the end of the world.

  • NOTES (1)


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