The Colbert Report

Season 4 Episode 69

Sen. Claire McCaskill

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM May 28, 2008 on Comedy Central
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Sen. Claire McCaskill
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Tonight Stephen welcomes Missouri Senator Claire McCaskill.

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      • Senator Claire McCaskill: Barack Obama has excited the country and has done very, very well and he's going to be a terrific candidate in November.
        Stephen Colbert: Why do you think Barack Obama is the best man or woman to be the next President of the United States?
        Senator Claire McCaskill: You know, this is a guy that has vision. He inspires people. He has great judgment. He's exciting a whole new generation of people to get involved. I think he's going to have the kind of foreign policy and economic policy that's going to make America feel good about itself again.

      • Stephen Colbert: (to Senator McCaskill because of repeated audience applause) Your statements universally inspire applause.

      • Stephen Colbert: Prescott Pharmaceuticals is proud to introduce its own line of energy water: Liquid Launch. It doesn't have one of the ingredients in rocket fuel. It has every ingredient in rocket fuel. When you blast some liquid launch into your inner space, you'll be singing "ground control to major yum." Side effects of liquid launch may include involuntary Narnia adventures, A-D-H-D-E-A-D, and whatever happens when you drink rocket fuel.

      • Stephen: But luckily there is an organization teaching today's youth some hard lessons, which brings us to tonight's Word: Brushback Pitch. In baseball, when a hitter crowds the plate the pitcher throws a brushback, usually a 90 mile an hour fastball at the batters head. It sends a message. ("I make $50 mil and I'm still an A-hole") Now Major League Baseball is sending a similar message to Little Leaguers in suburban Chicago by threatening to sue them over their uniforms. You see, some of the kids teams have the same name as professional teams, but they haven't paid Major League Baseball a licensing fee. Now sure the uniforms…"didn't feature official major league team logos…" but according to Major League Baseball "…not only the logos but the team names were trademarked." That means even if you have an especially tall group of twelve year olds, you can't call them the Giants. And no matter how fierce your T-Ball team is they can't call them the Tigers, and if you get them drunk before the game they're still not the Brewers. (Technically, Brewees) That is unless you pay Major League Baseball.

        [Video: Reporter: The League says team names are only permitted if the teams buy their jerseys from a specific supplier, Majestic Athletics, and those uniforms are more expensive. So for now the teams are all Bulldogs, with different town names underneath.]

        Stephen: Hey kids! Cough up the cash or you're Bulldogs! The lowest rung on the mascot ladder, except for that Stanford Tree. And don't say: Hey Stephen, give them a break, they're only ten years old. Oh yeah!? Mussolini was ten once. (The tricycles ran on time) Those kids put trademarked names without jerseys without paying. You know what we call that in this country? (Emulating their heroes) Theft! And Major League Baseball is very concerned about theft. (Stole "long and boring" from opera) You see folks, they don't want this kind of criminality sullying the good things about baseball. (Like Barry Bonds' giant head) These kids aren't just stealing team names, they're ripping off all kinds of stuff from the Majors. Where do these kids get the idea of using a mitt? Or wearing a cup? (Or cheat on a urine test?) And talk about intellectual property right infringement, kids a throwing around baseball slang like they own it. That's why the MLB needs to trademark those expressions too. Maybe with some expansion teams like the Santa Fe Hey Batter Batters, or the Palo Alto Belly Itchers, or the Carolina Coach is taking us for ice cream after the game!

        Now we in the media are just as guilty as those kids. We infringe on Major League Baseball's trademark every time we use the words Major League Baseball. (Without the express written consent of Major League Baseball) So I think to protect the integrity of the game we need to stop mentioning Major League Baseball entirely. (Take ball, go home) Now if I have to mention it I'll refer to it as something else like, uh, the National Basketball Association. (Or "The $7 pretzel place") And to all those out there who say they're just being greedy, this is not greed. (Compared to a $7 pretzel) No, what they're doing here is just as American as baseball and apple pie. (And whatever's in hot dogs) And folks, don't worry about upsetting the kids who won't be wearing the uniforms of their heroes, they'll find a way to get over it. (Soccer)

        And that's the Word.

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