The Colbert Report

Season 3 Episode 49

Senator John Kerry

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Apr 16, 2007 on Comedy Central
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Senator John Kerry
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Tonight Stephen welcomes Massachusetts Senator and author of This Moment on Earth: Today’s New Environmentalists and their Vision of the Future, John Kerry.

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    • TRIVIA (1)

    • QUOTES (4)

      • Stephen: That's it for the Report, folks. And remember, immediately after the closing credits, tonight's show will be available in the part of your brain that stores your fondest memories. Good night.

      • Stephen: Some parts of tonight's show are void in Alaska and Hawaii. This is the Colbert Report!

      • Stephen: Senator John Kerry is here to discuss his new book about the environment. Just what the environment needs, more books.

      • Stephen: So Mr. Gonzales, I have some advice, and it's tonight's Word: Clean Slate. Alberto this hearing is your chance to put all the suspicions to rest, if you play your cards right you'll come out smelling like a rose. (Two in one sentence! Beat that, Penn!) Here's how you do it. First, you're gonna want to win over the room. When the committee asks "Were the firings politically motivated" just say: "This is Washington, going to lunch is politically motivated." (Joke cut from 2006 Correspondents Dinner) You'll buy time to think while the laughter is dying down. Of course, once you say the firings were political the panel might want to know why earlier you said they were performance based. Just tell them than in your experience people say a lot of things they don't mean. (When they're tortured) Next, they may ask whether you were involved in the firings. Before you answer, try to find out whether or not they already know you were involved in the firings. (Ask if they read the paper) If so, you should probably say yes. (While shaking head "no") Now they might press you and ask: Did you fire these prosecutors for investigating Republicans and/or not investigating Democrats in the run up to the 2006 elections? You can handle this Alberto, breathe, drink some water, but drink it out of a lead glazed mug. Then excuse yourself to the lobby, peel some paint chips from the walls and chow down. You need to get rid of all the evidence up here. Forget everything. (Not just the Constitution) If you can, get and aide to hit you on the head with a wrench, huff some airplane glue, just go on such a bender you pass out and wake up next to a pile of documents you don't recognize. ("I eliminated Habeas what?") Then when you get back in front of the panel address Arlen Spector as Strom, tell Lindsay Graham that Lindsay is a girls name, (And Graham is a "cracker") just remember Mr. Attorney General, they've got the documents, they already know the answers, they just want you to say them. So the only way for you to get a clean slate, is by cleaning your slate. (Clean Slate)

        And that's the Word.

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