The Colbert Report

Season 6 Episode 57

Sharon Jones & the Dap-Kings

Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Apr 26, 2010 on Comedy Central
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Sharon Jones & the Dap-Kings
Tonight Stephen welcomes singer Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings.
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    Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


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    • QUOTES (2)

      • Stephen: Tonight: Is Arizona's new immigration law racist? Not if you're the right race. Then: A politician has a novel way to pay for health care. Get ready for bundled, sub-prime organs. And my guest Sharon Jones & the Dap-Kings have a new album called I Learned the Hard Way. Wait, shouldn't they have named it after they came on my show? If I come across as patronizing, maybe it's because I'm more patriotic than you. This is the Colbert Report.

      • Stephen: So how can you tell who's an illegal alien and who's not? That question brings us to tonight's Word: Docu-Drama. Folks, critics of the Governor are overlooking the fact that yes, she signed this anti-illegals bill, but she also ordered police to enforce it without the use of racial profiling. (Have her flan and eat it too) Therefore, clearly, that won't happen, right Bill Kristol?

        [Video: Bill Krisol: Will a few people get stopped perhaps because some policeman has reasonable suspicion that a person is illegal, will he be stopped on the street perhaps and asked to provide his drivers license. Yes. That is the huge, horrible civil rights violation that is going to occur five times, or eight times, or thirteen times in Arizona.]

        Stephen: Right, five, eight, thirteen, 5,813, what's the difference? (+/- The Fourth Amendment) Now those are just rare and unavoidable mistakes but when you make juevos rancheros you have to violate the civil rights of a few eggs. (Just not the egg whites) So, the point is, can you enforce this law without racial profiling? Yes, I think we all know what an illegal immigrant looks like. Governor?

        [Video: Governor Jan Brewer: I do not know what an illegal immigrant looks like.]

        Stephen: Okay, but that's just the Governor. It's not her job to know that, it's her job to sign bills without knowing the effects on people's lives. Luckily some people have the gift of spotting illegals. (Que-Dar?) For instance, California Representative Brian Bilbray:

        [Video: Brian Bilbray: There's different type of attire, there's different type of…right down to the shoes…]

        Stephen: When you're legal, you wear Nike's. When you're illegal, you make Nike's. And George Will is confident that the police will be able to make these distinctions without racial profiling.

        [Video: George Will: These are professionals who are used to making the kind of difficult judgments, suspicion of intoxicated driving, all kinds of judgments are constantly made by policemen.]

        Stephen: Yes, catching drunk drivers is a great model, we just need a breathalyzer that can detect increased levels of Cilantro. (With a salted rim!) But no law can really be enforced without the help of the community, that's why I was so happy to see this picture posted on the internet showing one helpful Arizonans answer: I am Mexican, pull me over. That saves a lot of guesswork. (And fun prank on neighbor) Unfortunately not all illegals are such upstanding citizens. That's why I have a helpful solution. Instead of the police pulling you over to find out if you have papers, wouldn't it be simpler to pull the police over to tell them you do? (…enjoy being tased) Or just go to the police precinct, show them your ID and they can stamp your hand or give you a bracelet and that proves you're here legally and you get to drink free on ladies night. (Sorry, no margaritas) Or better yet folks, leave the police out of it, they don't make the laws, they just enforce them. Instead, everyone in Arizona should go to the Governor's Mansion and show her your paperwork. (Perhaps a flaming bag of paperwork) Or even better yet, prove to her you're a citizen when you vote. (Docu-drama)

        And that's the word.

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