The Colbert Report

Season 2 Episode 60

Shere Hite

Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM May 08, 2006 on Comedy Central
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Episode Summary

Shere Hite
TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes the author of The Shere Hite Reader, Shere Hite!

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  • Bears are the number one threat once again.

    The show opens with a teaser of content from the show, which involves everything from signing statements to condom usage.

    Stephen starts off tonight's show by mentioning his "blazing" headache, but he promises to soldier on for us. Stephen's mood perks right up when he mentions the San Francisco Zoo has named a baby eagle after him. Well, they've sent him some new video to show. It features Stephen Jr. being fed by two eagles. Stephen, however, thinks both of them are male eagles. Stephen's pissed off by the idea of his baby boy being raised by gay eagles. He asks the San Francisco Zoo to investigate this immediately.

    Stephen moves on to the surprise announcement of Porter Goss stepping down as the head of the CIA. Stephen shows a clip from The McLaughlin Group, which features one commentator offering up a rumor for the resignation. One of the other commentators yelled at her for spreading rumors and innuendo. This same person goes on to offer his own rumors and innuendo, making himself look like a hypocrite at the least. Well, President Bush has nominated Michael Hayden, a member of the military, to take over the CIA. Stephen's a big fan of active military personnel taking over civilian organizations.

    Moving on, Stephen mentions some good news that The Boston Globe actually printed. It's an article about President Bush challenging hundreds of laws. He's issued twice as many signing statements as all other presidents combined. This brings us to tonight's edition of "The Word," which is "Not." Stephen says that the critics of using signing statements should make a law that would put an end to signing statements... not.

    Back from commercial, Stephen brings up the subject of the Kentucky Derby. Stephen lost $5,000 with some ill-advised bets.

    Stephen moves on to another edition of the "Threat Down." The number five threat is salaries. A new report has come out which tells us how much money a house-wife should make. Stephen's upset because he thinks it devalues husbands. The fourth threat is that there is no threat number four, which has never happened before. Threat number three is the pope. The Vatican is considering permitting the use of condoms to protect people from AIDS. Instead of using condoms, Stephen suggests using "Colbert Condon'ts". They are small wet paper napkins, which have the scent of old people, which is sure to rid you of your erection. Also, on the back of the wrapper is a picture of your mom. Threat number two is the Geography Police. Another study has come out, showing how little Americans know about the location of certain countries like Iraq, which has been in the news for some time now. The number one threat this week is bears. A hunter has killed a "Pizzly" bear, a cross between a Polar Bear and a Grizzly Bear. Stephen's worried about bears cross-breading, making it possible to kill humans in any condition.

    Back from commercial, Stephen welcomes tonight's guest, Shere Hite. They have a very humorous discussion on sexuality, Shere Hite's area of expertise.

    Tonight's episode was above average. The interview was not only very funny, but I thought the "Threat Down" tonight was one of the best ever. It's always a favorite segment of mine, but this one had some very funny lines... great writing, guys.moreless

Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


  • TRIVIA (1)

  • QUOTES (13)

    • Stephen Colbert: Folks, we must guard our honey pots and seek new picnic basket technology or risk these super bears running through our cities like so many berry patches.

    • Stephen Colbert (about the geography police, warning us about how most Americans can't find Iraq on a map): Typical east coast alarmists, wanting to spend our hard-earned tax dollars on a lot of school room maps and atlases, clearly in the pocket of Big Globe. We don't need geography in an age where we can just get on a plane and tell the pilot where you want to go. Your kids want to know where Iraq is? The U.S. government is offering an all expenses paid tour, though it is BYOB, bring your own body armor.

    • Stephen Colbert: According to Cardinal Javier Lozano Barragan of the Vatican Health Office, the Vatican is considering permitting the use of condoms to combat AIDS by "conducting a very profound scientific, technical, and moral study. Your Holliness, if religion was based on scientific evidence, it would be called science and no one would believe it.

    • Stephen Colbert: Threat number five: salaries, specifically salaries for housewives. A recent study has determined that stay-at-home moms deserve over $134,000 per year for their work has housekeeper, day-care teacher, cook, computer operator, laundy machine operator, janitor, facilities manager, van driver, chief executive, and psychologist. First of all, I will not have some study calling my wife a janitor. She is a maintenance technician. Second, come on... this devalues husbands. It's not like we ask to get paid for all the things we do: mechanic, exterminator, trash toter, couch softener, and remote master. And hey, what about our stud fee? You cannot put a price on quality DNA.

    • Stephen Colbert: Folks, I don't know if you watched the Kentucky Derby this weekend, but I did, and I lost a lot of money. Umm, after Giacomo won at 50 to 1 last year, I thought long shots were in... so I picked a horse named Plow Worthy to win and another horse named Brittle Shins to place. Uhh, Plow Worthy finished dead last, and Brittle Shins actually set a record for the most quickly euthanized after the starting bell.

    • Stephen Colbert: This article is about signing statements. It's a complex topic, but it boils down to this: leadership. Here's how it works. Congress debates, refines, and ultimately passes a bill, and the president signs it into law. Now with most presidents, that's the end of the story. But sometimes, a president goes a step further and issues a signing statement. It's an official document that says a law applies exactly as written except, and this is important, when the president doesn't feel like it. Before George W. Bush, they had only been used 322 times in presidential history. Bush alone has issued 750, which brings us to tonight's Word, "Not".

    • Stephen Colbert (describing his headache): Like two little demons mining for gold.

    • Stephen Colbert: I've got a blazing headache tonight. Blazing.

    • Stephen Colbert: Due to my unauthorized spreading of the truth, I've been forced to enter the witness protection program. This is The Silverman Report!

    • Stephen Colbert: Tonight, President Bush uses signing statements to asert his power over Congress. Next up, getting rid of that pesky judiciary.

    • Stephen Colbert: Plus, the Vatican considers allowing condom usage. Sounds like the little pope is doing the thinking.

    • Stephen Colbert: And sexuality expert Shere Hite will be here with secrets of how to sexually please a woman. Is that a typo?

    • Stephen: …which brings us to tonight's Word: Not. Adding the word "Not" at the end of a sentence negates everything that came before it. (Like Godfather III) A signing statement is the Presidential equivalent. (Popular with Congress…not) Now, the President uses more formal language like "I don't think the Constitution protects certain kinds of prisoners," (The arrested kind) but this way the President can make sure a law ifs applied the way the founders intended, specifically the founders of the Bush administration. It leaves nothing to chance, (Or the judiciary) for example: when President Bush signed the torture ban last December, he attached a Presidential signing statement. (See attached (to testicles)) This simplifies laws, laws are full of complicated clauses and Latin mumbo jumbo. (Like Habeas Corpus) Signing statements replace all that with a message that even a child could understand. (You're not the boss of me) The checks-and-balance-stapo says signing statements are making Congress impotent. (Limp districts) In fact, Arlen Spector has said that if the President continues on this path quote: "There may as well soon not be a Congress…" One step at a time Senator Spector, we'll get there. (Rome wasn't burned in a day) In the meantime Congress, think of passing laws as putting ideas into the Presidential suggestion box, he'll have someone read every one. (Good way for Gitmo prisoners to learn English) And if you don't like it, just make a law that says he can't do it. And that will put an end to it. (Not)

      And that's the Word.

  • NOTES (0)


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