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The Word: Not
Stephen Colbert: Folks, we must guard our honey pots and seek new picnic basket technology or risk these super bears running through our cities like so many berry patches.
Stephen Colbert (about the geography police, warning us about how most Americans can't find Iraq on a map): Typical east coast alarmists, wanting to spend our hard-earned tax dollars on a lot of school room maps and atlases, clearly in the pocket of Big Globe. We don't need geography in an age where we can just get on a plane and tell the pilot where you want to go. Your kids want to know where Iraq is? The U.S. government is offering an all expenses paid tour, though it is BYOB, bring your own body armor.
Stephen Colbert: According to Cardinal Javier Lozano Barragan of the Vatican Health Office, the Vatican is considering permitting the use of condoms to combat AIDS by "conducting a very profound scientific, technical, and moral study. Your Holliness, if religion was based on scientific evidence, it would be called science and no one would believe it.
Stephen Colbert: Threat number five: salaries, specifically salaries for housewives. A recent study has determined that stay-at-home moms deserve over $134,000 per year for their work has housekeeper, day-care teacher, cook, computer operator, laundy machine operator, janitor, facilities manager, van driver, chief executive, and psychologist. First of all, I will not have some study calling my wife a janitor. She is a maintenance technician. Second, come on... this devalues husbands. It's not like we ask to get paid for all the things we do: mechanic, exterminator, trash toter, couch softener, and remote master. And hey, what about our stud fee? You cannot put a price on quality DNA.
Stephen Colbert: Folks, I don't know if you watched the Kentucky Derby this weekend, but I did, and I lost a lot of money. Umm, after Giacomo won at 50 to 1 last year, I thought long shots were in... so I picked a horse named Plow Worthy to win and another horse named Brittle Shins to place. Uhh, Plow Worthy finished dead last, and Brittle Shins actually set a record for the most quickly euthanized after the starting bell.
Stephen Colbert: This article is about signing statements. It's a complex topic, but it boils down to this: leadership. Here's how it works. Congress debates, refines, and ultimately passes a bill, and the president signs it into law. Now with most presidents, that's the end of the story. But sometimes, a president goes a step further and issues a signing statement. It's an official document that says a law applies exactly as written except, and this is important, when the president doesn't feel like it. Before George W. Bush, they had only been used 322 times in presidential history. Bush alone has issued 750, which brings us to tonight's Word, "Not".
Stephen Colbert (describing his headache): Like two little demons mining for gold.
Stephen Colbert: I've got a blazing headache tonight. Blazing.
Stephen Colbert: Due to my unauthorized spreading of the truth, I've been forced to enter the witness protection program. This is The Silverman Report!
Stephen Colbert: Tonight, President Bush uses signing statements to asert his power over Congress. Next up, getting rid of that pesky judiciary.
Stephen Colbert: Plus, the Vatican considers allowing condom usage. Sounds like the little pope is doing the thinking.
Stephen Colbert: And sexuality expert Shere Hite will be here with secrets of how to sexually please a woman. Is that a typo?
Stephen: …which brings us to tonight's Word: Not. Adding the word "Not" at the end of a sentence negates everything that came before it. (Like Godfather III) A signing statement is the Presidential equivalent. (Popular with Congress…not) Now, the President uses more formal language like "I don't think the Constitution protects certain kinds of prisoners," (The arrested kind) but this way the President can make sure a law ifs applied the way the founders intended, specifically the founders of the Bush administration. It leaves nothing to chance, (Or the judiciary) for example: when President Bush signed the torture ban last December, he attached a Presidential signing statement. (See attached (to testicles)) This simplifies laws, laws are full of complicated clauses and Latin mumbo jumbo. (Like Habeas Corpus) Signing statements replace all that with a message that even a child could understand. (You're not the boss of me) The checks-and-balance-stapo says signing statements are making Congress impotent. (Limp districts) In fact, Arlen Spector has said that if the President continues on this path quote: "There may as well soon not be a Congress…" One step at a time Senator Spector, we'll get there. (Rome wasn't burned in a day) In the meantime Congress, think of passing laws as putting ideas into the Presidential suggestion box, he'll have someone read every one. (Good way for Gitmo prisoners to learn English) And if you don't like it, just make a law that says he can't do it. And that will put an end to it. (Not)
And that's the Word.
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