The Colbert Report

Season 3 Episode 22

Sheryl WuDunn

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Feb 13, 2007 on Comedy Central
9.1
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Sheryl WuDunn
AIRED:
Tonight Stephen welcomes Pulitzer Prize winning journalist Sheryl WuDunn.
Today
1:30am
COMEDY
11:30pm
COMEDY
Thursday
1:35am
COMEDY
11:30pm
COMEDY
Friday
1:35am
COMEDY
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    Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions

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    • TRIVIA (2)

    • QUOTES (5)

      • Stephen: Guys like Microsoft are helping the Chinese government restict internet access to its citizens.
        Sheryl: To a degree, yes.
        Stephen: So they're a "little" pregnant with the Chinese Government.

      • Stephen: The infinite void of space isn't big enough for the both of us.

      • Stephen: Anyways, good luck in the new year China, not that you need it. You are already an economic and military super power, a competitor even. You've come a long way baby...WAY TO GO!. (Camera pans close to him) People of America we have got to stop China. Economically, militarily, technologically...they are catching up with us. We were always able to beat them because our New Years starts at the beginning of January. But check your calendars, next year their New Years start Februaray 7th and in 2009 it's January 26th. Pretty soon they will be celebrating New Years before we do, then they'll have the head start on us the entire year. I think that's threatening. You don't think they're threatening? Look what they did to Chuck Norris. (clip of Bruce Lee ripping hair off of Chuck Norris' chest and cracking his neck) Noooo! They killed Chuck Norris. Who's going to tell Christie Brinkley.

        Stephen: China is surpassing us everywhere. They're even #1 in coal consumption, military personnel and executions. EXECUTIONS! Come on America, Texas can't do this alone. Yeah. Maybe if a few of the other states pitched it, they wouldn't have to execute the retarded.

      • Stephen: ...to my viewer of Chinese decent and to everyone in China watching this bootleg, let me just say 'Dat Dow Nen'...Happy Chinese New Years!

      • Stephen: …the answer is tonight's Word: Frenemy. A frenemy is someone who is both your friend and enemy at the same time. [Joe Lieberman] China is our enemy because they are a totalitarian regime that despises our values, freedom and democracy. (…in bed) They're our friend because look at these tube socks! 12 for a $1.99. They're our enemy because they're hoarding the fossil fuels that we need and they're doing it by supporting genocidal governments like Sudan and selling weapons to openly hostile governments like Iran. (Chinese firepower drill) Now, they're our friend because check out this movie I bought on 34th street. It's Spiderman 3! I don't think they've even finished filming this yet! Now they're our enemy because they lock their own citizens up in gulags and pay them slave wages in their prison factories. (HELP! I'm trapped in a fortune cookie factory) On the other hand they're our friend because say what you want about human rights abuses it would be a human rights abuse to deny your child cool toys like this one. This guy turns into a truck! (To carry away U.S. jobs) It's cool! Plus when we buy so many electronics and tube socks that we go broke, their banks lend us money to buy more. (Chinese liquidity torture) But the biggest way China is our friend is that they are our enemy.

        You see, ever since the Cold War ended America has lacked the nation unifying, defense budget justifying force of a good old fashioned rival. (Our yang has no yin) China can be new Russia. A potential war with China is so much easier to understand than the concept of a war on terror. (Dim sum of all fears) I mean, think about it. Beijing is a bombable place, you can't find terror on a map. (Most Americans can't find China either) So folks, being frenemies with China is the best of both worlds. As friends we can satisfy the invisible hand of the market and as enemies we can satisfy the hand with its finger on the button. (Button also made in China) But how do we make sure this relationship will last? (Don't mention Iananman-Tay Are-Squay) The good news is we couldn't stop our frenimosity is we wanted to. The Chinese may compete with the United States but will never have war with the United States because we owe them too much money. It's hard to collect a loan from a smoldering ruin. ("Do you accept ash?") And we may compete with China but we won't have a war with China because we need them to keep lending us the money to help pay for the military buildup for the war with China that we'll never have. (For at least five years)

        So unless something crazy happens like we stop depending on fossil fuels or we decide human rights should supersede corporate interests, our relationship is secure. (Unlike Taiwan) And that is great news. After all, the I Ching says: If my enemy dislikes me, but he cannot approach me, there will be good fortune. So just imagine how much good fortune there'll be if my enemy is also my friend. (Frenemy)

        And that's the Word.

    • NOTES (1)

    • ALLUSIONS (0)

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