The Colbert Report

Season 6 Episode 42

Simon Johnson

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Mar 30, 2010 on Comedy Central
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Simon Johnson
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Tonight Stephen welcomes MIT professor and co-author of 13 Bankers: The Wall Street Takeover and the Next Financial Meltdown, Simon Johnson.
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      • Stephen: Tonight: Scandal rocks the Church, even harder than Creed. Then: I look at America's relationship with food, but not too close, I don't want to get gravy in my eyes. And my guest Simon Johnson thinks banks have too much power. Citibank, seize him! The Large Hadron Collider is up and working, however it prefers to be called the Big Boned Hadron Collider. This is the Colbert Report.

      • Stephen: But for the Church this is another public relations nightmare, and the only way out is tonight's Word: Forgive And Forget. Folks, despite what you have read, the vast majority of Catholic clergy are decent, Godly people. (i.e. F**k you, Dan Brown) In fact, according to the U.S. Conference of Bishops, sex abuse has been committed by only 4% of priests. (Almost as pure as Ivory Soap) That means if you went to 25 priests, 24 times you'd find comfort and counsel and once you'd find yourself running to the Episcopal Church. (a.k.a. "Diet Catholicism") Now the Catholic Church has traditionally condemned these heartbreaking crimes against the innocent. (Right after the public learns about it) You see, for decades the Church has a secret policy for dealing with sex abuse by clergy, (Don't ask, don't ask) first they'd investigate the claims, if the charges were false they did nothing, but if they were true, the Church sprang into action by keeping is secret and transferring the abusive priest to another Parish. (St. Francis of A-shhhh!)

        You see, they had to, because the hierarchy of the Church depends on one thing, (Not having a vagina) absolute, unquestioned authority. And Church leaders were afraid that if the public found out about molestations, they would question the Church's authority. And they were right because the public has found out about molestations and they're questioning the Church's authority. (Now end confessions with "Your turn, Father") In fact, some were even calling for the Pope's resignation. But they're going after the wrong man, the Pope is infallible. They should really be going after that Joseph Ratzinger guy. Why does he keep ruining things for the Pope? Like being in the Hitler Youth, though if these cover up allegations are true, that may be one of the nicer things on his resume. (After "Conversational Latin") Well I say lay off. This scandal is already taking a toll on the Pope, it looks like he hasn't slept for….ever.

        Now there are calls for an investigation, and I'm sure they will find no wrong doing by his Holiness. But if it does, the Church must do the right thing and secretly reassign the Pope to a different religion where nobody knows him. ("Call me Pope, uh, Schmenedict") Just make him the leader of the Mormons or the Jews or the Scientologists, I hear that pays pretty well. Or just get him a job at a Sunglass Hut. The point is, just bury him someplace. Because my Church has proven time and again that the most important thing is to forgive and forget. We should forgive them for trying to make us forget what they've done. (Forgive and forget)

        And that's the Word.

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