The Colbert Report

Season 3 Episode 128

Stephen Colbert

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Oct 09, 2007 on Comedy Central
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Stephen Colbert
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Tonight Stephen welcomes…himself?
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      • Stephen: Now luckily there is a way for the President to rise above these petty accusations and it's the subject of tonight's Word: Mighty Duck. Now for a lot of people a secret endorsement of brutal interrogations could spell trouble with a capital "T." (Rhymes with P and stands for "Prison") Luckily the President is not a lot of people, (He's just Cheney) no, the only trouble for the President is if this interrogation memo is repeatedly brought to the public's attention by the press. Luckily there are a couple of things on the President's side. (Hint: not "habeus" or "corpus") Number one: The President has on his side is what I call torture fatigue. "The President says that torture is wrong but he secretly says it's okay." We have heard this song before. ("Hit Me Baby, One More Time") Through sheer repetition the President's made water boarding water boring. (Now just feels like regular drowning) Now six years ago I never though I would have this reaction: Electrified nutsack…yawn. God, I need something to keep me awake. (How about an electrified nutsack?) The second thing on the President's side here is the 2008 elections. Look at this week's Sunday morning shows. Three days after the interrogation memo leaked out.

        [Video(Multiple clips): Tim Russert: Our issues this Sunday: national poll shows a clear front runner.
        John McLaughlin: Is they key question: If Romney does a JFK Houston speech on his Mormonism can he win the election?
        Bob Schieffer: We're simply going to check in every week with somebody who watches every single moment of every debate…
        Ted Koppel: Remember that wonderful movie from way back with Robert Redford, The Candidate?
        George Stephanopoulos: The round table, America's poet laureate and the Sunday funnies.]

        Stephen: Not one of these shows did a round table on the legality of naked stress positions in frigid temperatures. (Or whether McLaughlin's voice qualifies as torture) Because folks, what the President does is no longer the story, the story is who will be the next guy to detain enemy combatants. (Winner of "So You Think You Can Torture?") Now will it be Mitt Romney? And does he use mousse in his hair? And could the mousse in Romney's hair beat Giuliani in the Iowa Caucuses? (At least mousse will hold position) You see the more that sort of thing gets reported on, the less attention the President gets and that's great. Now usually for Presidents at the end of the second term you just sit around, make your pardon lists, finish doing it in every room of the White House, and pose for your official White House portrait. It's called the lame duck period. (Lamer than Mallad Fillmore?) Now the President is unpopular, he's got a Democratic Congress and even Republican Presidential candidates avoid him like the plague. (Plague has higher approval rating) So why folks, why pay attention to him? And the less people pay attention to him, the more he can do all the thing that he doesn't want people to pay attention to. (Catch-43) So ladies and gentlemen of the media, by all means, focus on what percentage Fred Thompson will beat McCain among moderate conservative, pro-gun lobby, anti-socialized healthcare, pro-anti-immigration Hispanic nursemaids. (The "M.C.P.G.L.A.S.H.C.P.A.I.R.S.H.N.M" Association) Please keep treating the President like a lame duck and that will allow him to be the mightiest duck this nation's ever seen.

        And that's the Word.

      • Stephen: The following anger has been formatted to fit your television screen. This is the Colbert Report!

      • Stephen: Questions about Barack Obama's patriotism threaten to overshadow questions about Barack Obama's blackness.

      • Stephen: The New York Times reveals another national security secret, but it's Tuesday so it's an easy one.

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