The Colbert Report

Season 6 Episode 124

Steve Rattner

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Sep 29, 2010 on Comedy Central
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Steve Rattner
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Tonight Stephen welcomes financial reporter and author of Overhaul: An Insider's Account of the Obama Administration's Emergency Rescue of the Auto Industry, Steve Rattner.
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      • Stephen: Well luckily there is a way to preserve our rights and it brings us to tonight's Word: Original Spin. Folks, these bogus rights are being dished out by activist judges who claim the Constitution is a living document that transforms every time society shifts its views on an issue like gay rights or how many 1/5ths of me black person is worth. To them it just magically changes as if James Madison wrote the Constitution on a Etch-A-Sketch. (Plot of next National Treasure movie) But I say a document should never change its meaning unless it's your health insurance policy and you just got sick. (It's health insurance, not sick insurance) Now Supreme Court Justice and shaved walrus Antonin Scalia agrees with me on this, he's what's called a Constitutional originalist saying quote: "I interpret the Constitution the way it was understood by society at the time." I've always said a good Supreme Court Justice is a Constitutional scholar first, a time traveling mind reader second.(Thursdays on ABC!) And as an originalist, Scalia argues that the idea of equal protection clause of the 14th Amendment protects women's rights is quote: "a modern invention." Because he said in 1868 when it was written: "Nobody thought it was directed against sex discrimination." Evidently back then women hadn't been invented yet. (Made do with steam powered friction pump)

        Plus the 14th Amendment was created to protect the rights of newly freed slaves. That's why it strictly limits equal protection under the law to: "All persons born or naturalized in the Untied States." So all Scalia is saying is that women aren't persons. (Especially on The Bachelor) Now ladies, please, don't take it personally, which you can't because Constitutionally you're not persons. Scalia wants you to have rights, that's why he joined the majority in the Citizens United rulings which found that corporations are people with Constitutional rights. So ladies, all you have to do is incorporate. You see, if I refuse to hire Carol Morris as a camera operation because I don't want her menstrual cycle attracting bears to my studio, she has no legal recourse. But if I mess with Carol Morris Inc, that corporate American can sue me for discrimination, although if her case ever made it to the Supreme Court I think she'd have a rough time convincing the six persons remaining on the bench.

        And gays, you don't have any protection from sexual discrimination either. Back in the 1860s there were no gay people. (Just "Friends of Lincoln") Folks, I believe strongly we should interpret every part of the Constitution just like Scalia does, as it was originally intended. For instance, Article One states: "The Congress shall have power to regulate commerce with foreign nations." But only the foreign nations that existed back then. So clearly Scalia wants to normalize trade relations with Prussia, Siam and the Grand High Mufti of the Ottoman Empire. (Finally, an affordable fez!) And of course Scalia must argue that the First Amendment only truly guarantees freedom of speech as it was spoken in 1791. And if you don't like his opinion, it's his right to say: Go bugger a Hottentot you leprous octoroon. (Oh no, thou hath not!)

        Now if you're offended by Scalia's argument, perhaps you should defend your rights with force of arms. But remember, by this argument the Second Amendment gives you're the right to only bear blunderbusses and flint lock pistols. (Beware of drive by musketings) Before all you minorities demand that Scalia recognize your equal rights, just ask yourself: Were people like me living in America in the mid 19th century. And if not, put a cork in it, because our longest serving Supreme Court Justice is still living in 1868. (Original spin)

        And that's the Word.

    • NOTES (1)

      • Theatdown
        3: Record Breaking Gays!
        2: Whoever's f**king our Koalas!
        1: Scientists who don't give the results their corporate benefactors want!

    • ALLUSIONS (0)

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