The Colbert Report

Season 2 Episode 71

Steven Johnson

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Jun 08, 2006 on Comedy Central
9.0
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Steven Johnson
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Tonight Stephen welcomes Steven Johnson, author of Everything Bad Is Good For You.

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      • Stephen: All of which brings me to tonight's Word: Goooooaaaaaal! As in it should be our goal to completely ignore the World Cup. Now, on paper, the World Cup sounds great, I mean, I love the Worlds Series and the NBA World Championships and of course Disney World. But for some reason, in other countries, the definition of world includes other countries. In fact soccer is apparently the one thing the rest of the world agrees on, (That and the Kyoto Treaty) which, I think, is why we should reject it. It is the metric system of sports. We don't need it, we don't want it and, you know what, it kind of creeps me out. (Confuses centimeters with centipedes) There are plenty of reasons to hate the World Cup. I don't trust a sport where the U.S. women's team is better than the U.S. men's. (There's a men's team?) Plus, it's taking place in Germany, a nation of suspect taste at best. (Brownshirts? Really?) Turns out, they might allow Iranian lunatic President Mahmoud Achmen…well it's a hard name to say…Achmenenenapdiddyjad to attend. (Tix part of nuclear weapons deal) Now you just can't sit next to that guy during a game, every time his team messes up he blames Israel. (Protocols of the referees of Zion) Now, all the bleeding heart one worlders out there are gonna say: But Stephen, soccer's popularity has been steadily growing in the U.S. (Unlike a certain President's) Well, yes it has, it has been growing illegally. The biggest soccer fans in America are immigrants. Who are also the biggest threat to America, after gay marriage, flag burning and the death tax. (Axis of mid-term evil) Here's a little tip to the INS, just stake out the giant TV's in Best Buy during the first round match between Mexico and Angola and deport anyone you catch watching it. Get the Angolans too and we'll never have to translate our national anthem into Bantu. (No word for "Gleaming") And for the rest of us, since we have to endure these three weeks of soccer, you might as well root for the U.S. (For the two matches we survive) Think about how great it would be if we kicked the world's ass in a sport we don't even care about! (Make up for being 15th in math) Then we can spend the next four years rubbing it in their face. And that's a worth goal. (Goooooaaaaaal!)

        And that's the Word.

      • Stephen: This exquisitely gerrymandered district contains the communities of Sugar Land, named after the headquarters of Imperial Sugar, Pearland, named for it's pear orchards and Needville, named for it's hopeless poverty.

      • Stephen: The 22nd is also the home to La Porte, location of the San Jacinto battleground where Texas won the decisive battle of the Texas Revolution when Sam Houston launched a surprise attack on the Mexican Army during their afternoon siesta. The outcome proved the old stereotype that Mexicans are lazy and that Texans will kill you in your sleep.

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