The Colbert Report

Season 2 Episode 70

Steven Squyres

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Jun 07, 2006 on Comedy Central
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Steven Squyres
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Tonight Stephen welcomes Cornell University scientist and author of Roving Mars Steven Squyres.

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Wednesday
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    • TRIVIA (1)

    • QUOTES (2)

      • Stephen Colbert: When the world tries to shake us up, I'm America's bubble wrap. This is the Colbert Réport.

      • Stephen: …brings us to tonight's Word: Big Deal. "Can We Live With It" is a great question. It moves past: Does global warming exist? Can we stop it? And will we stop it? It leapfrogs them, (Remember frogs?) and folks this is a great shortcut. For to long we've argued back and forth spinning out wheels. (And emitting fumes) It's time we did something, namely resign ourselves to doing nothing. (Follow Congress' lead) We have to stop worrying and embrace global warming. (Despite the hot flashes) Now sure, there are a few adjustments we'll have to make, (To costal maps) but really that's what humans do well, we adapt to changes. (But don't evolve) For instance, when sea levels rise we'll just build levees, (Worked for New Orleans) and when a continent wide drought strikes Africa we'll send them celebrities. (Let them eat Bono) Point is, man has adapted to worse, (Feminism) and there are some potentially lucrative possibilities here. Insurance companies are already salivating at the prospect of higher premiums, and think of the job market. We're gonna need people to raise sea walls, sell real estate in Greenland, (Finally live up to name) and we'll need people to cross animals off the endangered species list. (Death march of the penguins) Global warming is the perfect money machine. Follow me here: as it gets warmer people turn up the AC which means the power plants work a little harder which means more CO2, hotter temperatures, and bingo more air conditioning. The cycle goes around faster and faster and faster and faster and faster. All you have to do is put an electric turbine in that cash flow and you could power the great underwater city of Los Angeles. (City of Angelfish) So, America when it comes to global warming, stop panicking and continue to do nothing. (Except drive) Hey, we just might make some money off this. (Big Deal)

        And that's the Word.

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