The Colbert Report

Season 2 Episode 68

Stone Phillips

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Jun 05, 2006 on Comedy Central
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Stone Phillips
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Tonight Stephen welcomes Dateline NBC anchor Stone Philips.

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    • TRIVIA (1)

    • QUOTES (5)

      • Stephen: (after a clip from his early days at WTPS in North Carolina) Really takes me back. Even had that moustache stuffed and mounted. I keep it on my wall at home to remind me where i came from and to inspire me, to never grow a moustache again.

      • Stephen: Back then [before the show started], the days were getting shorter. I turned that around. Now, they're getting longer. Don't know how long I can keep this up — couple of weeks maybe.

      • Stephen: Becky D., Van De Graff Generator, OH

      • Stephen: And it's tonight's Word: Me! And by Me I don't just mean me, I mean all of us who are ourselves and proud to say so. I'm me, and to me you're you, but you like me, call yourself me when referring to you. Here's the difference: You're listening to me, I'm not listening to you. (NSA listening to both) Know why? Because I'm on TV. And how did I get on TV? (Drank blood from goat's skull) I got on TV by talking about me. My instincts and opinions, that's self confidence, I ooze it. (Ruins his suit every show) This isn't just about self confidence, it's about celebrating my self confidence. Let's hear it for how I feel about me! Puffing yourself up can be very useful. You know, one of the best ways to protect yourself from a bear is to open your jacket as wide as it will go. This will make you seen bigger and fiercer. (Unless bear has bigger jacket) It's the same idea. Self aggrandizement is an American tradition. There's nothing wrong with giving credit where credit is due, especially if you're the one due the credit. (Per-approved for self-approval) You gotta took you own horn. Don't just put up a building, put your name on it. Everyone in New York knows the names of Mr. Trump, Mr. Rockefeller, and Mr. Empire.

        Take Mount Rushmore. Ever wonder why they don't call it Mount These Four Presidents? (Too sexy?) Because of one Mr. Charles Rushmore, a New York lawyer representing a mining company who went the Black Hills, saw a mountain and said to the miners: Hey, how about naming that after me? True story. By the way, if there's anyone from the National Geological Society watching, I'd like my name on Mount McKinley. I mean should we really name our tallest mountain after our least favorite assassinated President? (Garfield only got a cat) If you want to go with Mount Colbert you have my blessings. Speaking of blessings, I'm sure many of you are saying: But shouldn't we be humble Stephen? After all Jesus said the meek shall inherit the Earth. Well I think there's something off about that Jesus quote. Would you expect words that humble from a guy claiming to be the son of God? I think "The meek shall inherit the Earth" is a miss-translation, just two letters off. (The me shall inherit the Earth)

        And that is the Word.

      • Stephen: Dedicated surgeons worked for over twelve hours but were ultimately unable to reattach the goatee.
        Stone Phillips: A word of warning, some of the images you are about to see are awesome.
        Stephen: When the smoke cleared, both mugs were broken. And neither man could truly be called, world's greatest grandpa.
        Stone: But at this crab shack, the catch of the day was murder.
        Stephen: Suddenly, and without warning, it became a real life game of Hungry Hungry Hippos.
        Stone: In the immortal words of Butterfly McQueen: I don't know nothing about birthin no babies!
        Stephen: Toyboat toyboat toyboat.
        Stone: Unique, New York, Unique New York Unique New York.
        Stephen: A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk. But the stump thunk the skunk stunk.
        Stone: Swim Sam, swim Sam, swim Sam. Show them you're some swimmer. Swim like Snow White's swan swam, you know how a snow white swan swam Sam. Six sharp shivering sharks are out to snap your limbs. So a swim well swum is a well swum swim so swim Sam swim Sam swim.

    • NOTES (3)

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