The Colbert Report

Season 2 Episode 120

Ted Danson

Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Sep 26, 2006 on Comedy Central



  • Quotes

    • Stephen: …and it's time for tonight's Word: Good Morning. America, give yourself a second to stretch. (And scratch, we won't watch) Now, you have been asleep along time. After all what historians called the Second Awakening ended in 1840s. (Missouri Compromise lulled you to sleep) So I know you'll need a minute to get your bearings. (And a decade to pee) Now let me remind you how things work when you're awake: there is good, there is evil and there is nothing in between. (No such thing as "Goovil") But of course you probably remember that from the First Awakening back in the 1730s when Jonathan Edwards preached "Every unconverted man properly belongs to Hell." Remember: Jesus or the Fire, it's good to be awake again, isn't it sleepyhead? (Please let me sleep till 2008) Now here is the bad news. Like I've said you've been asleep since the 1840s (Thanks Ambien) and while you were sleeping you dreamed up some pretty crazy things. (Ronald Reagan was President?!) Things that really, really don't fit into a good and evil, black and white world. Like, men come from monkeys? What did you eat before you went to bed? (Bananas, go figure) And the United Nations? In a good and evil world there's no diplomacy, you meet on a dusty street and it's 1-2-3 draw! (Bush draws on 2) Look, it's not your fault, you were asleep in a colorful dream of pixies and unicorns and gay married people, a magical world called The Middle Ground. Now for six years the President's been doing his part to remind us that the middle ground doesn't really exist. (Like the WMD) And lots of other religious people are doing their part too. Like the folks in the new documentary Jesus Camp, which profiles a North Dakota Christian camp called Kids on Fire. Hard to be asleep when you're on fire kids!

      [Video: Woman: There are two kinds of people in the world: People who love Jesus and people who don't.
      Pastor Becky Fischer: I want to see them as radically laying down their lives for the Gospel as they are over in Pakistan and Israel and Palestine and all those different places…]

      Stephen: You see? The best way to fight evil Islamic fanaticism is with good Christian fanaticism. (Fight fire with kids on fire) And folks, you can do your part to. By knowing that no matter what the issue you are right and they are wrong. Who's they? Who cares. (They do) The important this is, it's morning in America, we are awake, we are at war and the President has his finger on the button. (Hope it's the snooze button)

      And that's the Word.