The Colbert Report

Season 6 Episode 105

Thomas French

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Aug 18, 2010 on Comedy Central
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Thomas French
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Tonight Stephen welcomes journalist and author of Zoo Story: Life in the Garden of Captives, Thomas French.
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      • Stephen: Tonight: A new approach to solving the immigration issue. We're all going to close our eyes and count to diez and you better all be gone. Then: Dr. Laura gets in trouble over racially charged comments. She should really call someone to get some advice about that. And by guest Thomas French has a new book about what it takes to build a zoo. And failing that, what it takes to open an exotic meats restaurant. Wired Magazine says the internet is dead. I hope the Lolcats made it out alive. This is the Colbert Report.

      • Stephen: We need to think outside the box, and that brings us to tonight's Word: Borderline Personality. Folks, all the best immigration ideas come from Arizona, and from one man Sheriff Joe Arpaio.

        [Video: Reporter: Like the lawmen of the Old West, Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio isn't afraid of much…
        Reporter: To those who want a tough crackdown on illegal immigrants he is a hero
        Glenn Beck: There's absolutely no nonsense with you, which I love…you are America's toughest Sheriff….]

        Stephen: America's Toughest Sheriff was, I believe, the reality show that Joe Arpaio won, although he didn't fare quite as well on America's Next Cop Model. And Sheriff Joe doesn't just talk the talk, he walks the talk back over the border where it came from. And he presented his solution to the Arizona Tea Party, standing right next to the Mexican border fence.

        [Video: Sheriff Joe Arpaio: Why don't we put the border patrol across the fence, on their side. We'll clean up the mess in a month.]

        Stephen: I bet the border patrol could clean up that mess in less than a month. (Illegal maids could do it in 2 weeks) The point is, it is impossible for our border patrol to cover hundreds of miles of Arizona desert. But look at the Mexican side, that one would be as easy as 1, 2, 3. (Legal or not, here we come!) And once they get into Mexico they're going to find a country bristling with Mexicans. Roaming free on the technicality that they're still in Mexico. (Or as we call it, Texas's Pants) So they're just going to grab these pre-illegals take them to the U.S., demand to see their papers and when they don't have them we deport them out of the Land of Opportunity back to Mexico. (Land of deportunity) Of course, Mexicans are going to try even harder to sneak back into the United States. I mean, who would wan to stay in Mexico, it's being invaded.

        Now clearly, we're not going to get any help from their governing party, (The drug cartels?) I looked into it, and I hope you're sitting down, the whole place is run by Mexicans. (Just like Stephen's home) Folks, this is what happens when you let those people into your country. Is Mexico going to like having armed Americans streaming across their border? (Is it Spring Break?) No, of course not. So we're going to have to sneak them in, I'm not sure how, maybe we can stuff them into the quarter panels of an old pickup truck, or maybe they can dig a system of tunnels under the border fence. (Or just walk, security's terrible) The point it, I know we can do it, because if there's one thing we've learned is that with a 2,000 mile border, there's really no way they can stop us. (Borderline personality)

        And that's the Word.

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