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The Colbert Report

Season 3 Episode 9

Thomas Schaller

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Jan 22, 2007 on Comedy Central
9.2
out of 10
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Thomas Schaller
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Tonight Stephen welcomes University of Maryland political scientists and author of Whistling Post Dixie: How Democrats Can Win Without the South, Thomas Schaller.
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    • TRIVIA (1)

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      • Stephen: You can only make it the subject of tonight's Word: Exact Words. I'm no fan of lawyers or their lawyer talk, (Like "restraining order") I hated to see Clinton try to hide behind depends on what the definition of "is" is to get away with that hummer. It's that kind of slick wordplay that got him impeached. (Also got him the hummer) But Alberto Gonzalez isn't like other lawyers, (Not interested in "law") he's not into fancy words, (Like "presumption of innocence") and what he's saying here is completely reasonable. (To George Orwell) And folks, there's precedent, the case of Brady v Brady. In one landmark decision Greg has been grounded from driving the car but later his dad catches him behind the wheel of somebody else's car. Greg defends his actions before the court.

        [Video: Greg Brady: You said not to drive our car.
        Mike Brady: Are you telling us that would have made any difference?
        Greg: It would have made it perfectly clear, yes. It's just that I wish you could have used more exact words.]

        Stephen: See, Greg couldn't assume he knew his father's original intent. Attorney General Gonzalez is just like Greg, (Won't have career after this) he can only go by the founding fathers exact words. For the last 200 years activists have been finding all sorts of fake "rights" in the Constitution: Miranda rights, the right to privacy, the right to be gay. And folks, I defy anyone to find a mention of anything gay in the Constitution. ("To provide and maintain a Navy?") If a right is not expressly spelled out in the document that mean we don't have it. For instance we have a freedom of the press, but by press the founding fathers literally meant pressing ink onto paper. So if you're using a laser printer you can legally be hauled off to Gitmo. (To have your Hewlett viciously Packard) Just because you want the Constitution to say something doesn't mean it does. Where is Senator Spector coming from, saying there's a right to habeas corpus? It's like he's holding these truths to be self evident. Well the Attorney General and I think the Constitution is very clear when it comes to the treatment of prisoners, after all, Amendment VI states quote: "In all criminal prosecutions the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trail…" Hey, if the guys in Gitmo aren't enjoying it, and I don't think they are, we can make their trials as slow and as private as we want.

        And that's the Word.

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