The Colbert Report

Season 2 Episode 73

Tim Flannery

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Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Jun 13, 2006 on Comedy Central
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Tim Flannery
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Tonight Stephen welcomes mammologist and paleontologist Tim Flannery, author of The Weather Makers.

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      • Stephen: And it brings us to tonight's Word: Great F***ing Idea. Hold on, where is my checkbook. Okay, how much do I owe? [Writing check] 325,000, yep, I love this idea so much that I'm gonna pay the first fine. Got my checkbook ready and you can bet your sweet ass… uh oh, gonna run through some pens. I intend to do my part. Now, normally, I'm against big government, Congress has no business interfering with our lives, except in the areas of who we marry, how we protest and when with whom and in what positions we have sex. (The "Abstinence" position) But some things have no place on television, period. (Tucker Carlson) Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart once famously wrote that hardcore pornography was hard to define but, quote: I know it when I see it. (Pounding the gavel) Well, it's not the job of deceased activist judges to define indecency, that's the job of America's moral judges, our conservative Christian TV watchdogs. (WTF would Jesus do?) Thank God, literally, for groups like the Parents Television Council which lobbied hard for the increased fines and posts a color coded grid of what's offensive on prime time TV. Tops on their Tuesday night list: According to Jim. I agree, it is offensive. And there's the American Family Association which pressured NBC to cancel God, the Devil & Bob and The Book of Daniel and ABC to cancel Ellen DeGeneres' sitcom. (She's only gay in primetime) And this March when Fox accidentally aired a NASCAR driver calling his car a piece of sh*t…uh oh….the American Family Association got more than 167,000 formal complaints filed with the FCC. Total complaints the FCC received in the year 2000 was 350. (All for Suddenly Susan) And these groups are on the cutting edge of technology. Out of 6500 complaints the FCC received over an episode of Without A Trace, all but three turned out have been computer generated form letters. That's using the internet to give people a voice. (Like a ventriloquist) Now, Christian conservatives have the guts to tell our representatives what's decent, (Doing through a sheet) just like they have the guts to out Tinky Winky and SpongeBob when they try to turn our children gay. (And make them live in a pineapple) And now that the fines are ten times higher, the networks will be ten times more nervous about what is and isn't indecent. Imagine how sparkling clean our airwaves will be as soon as the FCC fines $325,000 every time the networks show anything immoral. Like a single parent, [Andy Griffith Show] or an immigrant worker [I Love Lucy] or an unshaved beaver. [Leave it to Beaver]

        And that's the Word.

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