The Colbert Report

Season 2 Episode 112

Toby Keith

Aired Weekdays 11:30 PM Sep 12, 2006 on Comedy Central



  • Trivia

  • Quotes

    • Stephen: …and it happens to be the subject of tonight's Word: Missed Opportunity. The administration let this one slip through their hands. (Like Osama) Franklin Roosevelt famously said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself." (Also said "Put the Japanese in camps") But these days fear is the Bush administrations greatest ally, (Only ally) and for the past several weeks they've been doing a great job ratcheting up the national fear index. (Currently at "Holy Crap!") In his September 5th press conference, the President mentioned Bin Laden seventeen times, (Good for War On Terror drinking game) then on Sunday's Meet the Press, Dick Cheney had this to say.

      [Video: Cheney: If on 9/11 they'd had a nuke instead of airplanes you'd have been looking at a casualty toll that would rival all the deaths in all the wars fought by America in 230 years.]

      Stephen: And check out the President just last night.

      [Video: Bush: If we do not defeat these enemies now, we will leave our children to face Middle East overrun by terrorist states and radical dictators armed with nuclear weapons.]

      Stephen: I've gone through three pairs of pants in the last 48 hours alone. (Thank God for Febreze®) Now as I said, I don't believe in spilling secrets, but since we've already revealed the existence of these fourteen prisoners, let's make it worth our while. Locking them up at Gitmo will only make Americans feel safe. (Except American Muslims) It's much better for Americans to be scared. I say we let our citizens get a good look at these terrorists, up close and personal. That's why I propose a pre-election personal appearance tour: Monsters of Terror '06! (Opening act: Dixie Chicks) Now if you're a Republican candidate in a battleground state, don't just throw a minority and a military guy behind you on the dais. You're gonna want to toss in Khalid Sheikh Mohammed as well. It's gonna grab those swing voters by the short hairs, and you can truck these terrorist to a supermarket opening or put them in a pen at the county fair. You could even rent these guys out for kids parties. Really scare those little bastards so they'll grow up to vote Republican. Make no mistake, this is not politicizing 9/11, (It's 9/11-izing politics) no, the President isn't revealing this stuff because midterms are coming up. If he had his way there wouldn't even be elections this year. (Just record your vote by wiretap) Nation, we need to bring these terrorists within our own borders to make an important point: that terrorists are within our own borders. (Guest martyr program) By the way, Osama, if you're free, Katherine Harris could really use you at an upcoming campaign dinner. (To scare voters more than she does)

      And that's the Word.

  • Notes

    • Better Know a District: New Jersey's 3rd. Rep: James Saxton, (R) (Stephen didn't talk to Congressman Saxton, instead he talked to Rich Sexton, who us running against Saxton.)

  • Allusions